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Sunday, April 5, 2015

Abuse has many different forms

Grim subject, I know, but this has to be talked about-to help people understand it better and to find the ways to combat it. If we don’t talk about bad things, if we sweep them under the carpet, nothing will ever change. The only way to effect change is to continue to educate the public.

We all know what obvious, “traditional” abuse is: hurting someone physically. But abuse is not limited to just physical manifestations, far from it.
Sometimes it hides under declarations of “love” and wanting “what’s best for the person”.
Abusers wear many hats and many faces.
Some do so by attempting to control their partner, their every move.
Others try to isolate them, frighten them, and destroy their confidence in themselves.
Trying to make your partner believe that things are not what they are, that black is white and white is black, threaten them, keeping them in a constant state of fear
They might tell you that they’ve “made you”, that you are worthless, you are nothing without them, even that they “own” you.

There are many kinds of violence against women: some of them obvious, some not so much, but all of them are dangerous.
Especially cunning are the subtle ones, the ones where a guy convinces a woman that whatever he does, he does it because he loves her, he wants what’s best for her.
Every time she does something not to his liking, he punishes her and then convinces her it’s her own fault until she actually believes that she deserved the punishment.
This “punishment” could be a threat to withhold the money from her or to take away her children or to destroy her business-it doesn’t have to be physical.

While majority of sex industry clients are perfectly nice, well-adjusted guys who simply want to have some fun in the sack, it also attracts all sorts of unsavoury, unbalanced and flat out dangerous types.
There are misogynists who hold women in contempt. For them sex workers are easy targets: they figured there will be no complaints to authorities because many hide their identity and wouldn’t want the way they earn money to be made public. They also bank on the fact that general notion is “I am paying you the money, so I do what I want”.

These guys do not book WGs because they want sex. What they want is to assert control, show a woman who is “really in charge” and sometimes to act out their violent tendencies. What they really after is bring a woman, any woman down a notch and show them their place.

Just recently I heard a story of a guy who called and asked a WG if she would like “a bit of domination”. He obviously knew what he was doing because he picked a young and fairly inexperienced one. He presented well-dressed, polite and very pleasant. He almost immediately proceeded to attempt to literally rip her clothes off, slap her breasts very hard, all the while calling her a slut and a whore. When she screamed for him to stop, he said he “just got over-excited”, but then proceeded with pushing her on the floor and slapping her butt and legs, then grabbing a vibrator and shoving it hard inside her to a point where  she thought  he was actually going to rip her apart. At this point she was crying yet he continued the assault (because that’s exactly what that was) for the next 10 minutes until he finally stopped and declared that “she was worth every penny”. He remained fully clothed in a suit the entire time. His penis never came out nor did he touch himself. Before he left he made a point of saying that “this was all in the name of good fun” and actually had the audacity to ask if the WG would see him again!

It is very clear to me this guy knew exactly what he was doing and the statements about “getting too excited” and “ this being a good fun and games” were designed to cover his tracks in case the WG actually filed a complaint with the police for assault.

Some guys assert their control by pounding WGs mercilessly as hard as they can the entire duration of a booking.
There is a difference between “hard and fast” sex for pure pleasure and enjoyment of it (usually happens for a few moments before a guy is ready to come) and a deliberate prolonged pounding.
You can see it in their faces: they very clearly exerting themselves in an attempt to inflict the hardest impact possible (and inflict the pain if they can) and their sole focus is on that, not on their enjoyment.

Others spend entire booking in an attempt to “break” the girl. They either slap really hard (breasts or buttocks), try to choke (with their hands or their penis), or pull WGs hair. I once had a guy pull my hair so hard (and for a few long moments, it wasn’t just a quick yank in the heat of the moment) that tears streamed involuntarily from my eyes. Post-coitus he even made a comment on how I seemed to be able to take his hair pulling while other girls could not, which was a clear indication of deliberate and pre-meditated action. The fact that he tried again, even harder and longer in the second round confirmed that.

Another group of guys actively seek out WGs and try to enter into a personal intimate relationship with them so that they can live off their earning and not have to work themselves. They usually present as charming and caring in the “woe” stage of the relationship and often disguise their intentions by seemingly wanting to help a WG organise and run her business, but it all turns ugly when she wants to break up with them.

Suddenly claims of “I’ve made you who you are” and “I’ve built your business” come up and threats of destroying her business through fake reviews on the industry boards, spreading nasty rumours, deleting WGs web content because they(ex-BFs and wanna-be BFs) have control of it, etc. At the risk of sounding crass: unless you were the one sucking cock in the bedroom, you haven’t done jack shit.  And it’s a fact. All of these girls were doing just fine before they’ve met you and they will continue doing fine long after you are but a distant (albeit unpleasant) memory.

These guys are often relentless and stop at nothing in an attempt to maintain control of their victims. They threaten with outing her to her friends and family, dobbing her to tax authorities, suing her for half of her assets (because it’s a “relationship property”, never mind that they have not put a red cent into it and have lived rent and expense-free off her earnings while not holding a job themselves for the entire duration of the “relationship”).

Ladies, all the above falls into the category of the emotional abuse. In New Zealand the law was passed a few years ago outlining the parameters and there are several precedents of court’s rulings on the subject. Do not put up with it. Do not let these guys make you believe that you are worthless, that you are nothing without them. It’s them who need you, not the other way around.

It is very unfortunate that it has come to this, but I strongly recommend clearly outlining parameters very early in the relationship. Preferably in writing and by a lawyer. I know sometimes a guy looks like a knight in shining armour, but experiences teaches us they are not all like that. Some have hidden agendas and others just turn vicious when things don’t go their way. Protect yourselves and your hard-earned assets.

Some of those guys will try to convince you they are heroes here to save you and you should be grateful for everything they’ve done. Be wary. If a guy wants to do something for you for free, carefully think before you accept. There are no free lunches. Does he expect something in return? What if you won’t deliver it? What will happen? Sometimes it’s easier to hire a professional and pay them their rates: this way it’s a straight forward transaction and you are in control and don’t have to worry that your website, for example, is going to suddenly disappear because a wanna-be BF created it and has full control of it and he is now angry at some real or imagined transgression.

Get an accountant to handle your taxes (I very strongly recommend paying taxes), get a lawyer (if not on retainer, then create an ongoing professional relationship with one) to handle any issues that might come up. For sex workers I recommend finding a lawyer with a strong background in IP (intellectual property).

If you have kid(s), hire a babysitter when you need one instead of letting your BF look after your kids: not only it might turn ugly if and when you break up, but he might later claim costs and/or part of your business for that.

If you feel you need additional security, then either collaborate with other WGs or hire a driver/security instead of letting a BF do the job: while it seems like a convenient and cheap option at present it might bite you in the ass in the future if you break up and he claims part of your business earnings.

Do not let anyone have control of your web content (whether a website or social media accounts). You may not always get it right, but it is your business, your brand, your image-don’t let others manipulate it.

Always insist on maintaining your own friends. Have your own (independent of your BF) support system. Be very suspicious when a BF tries to isolate you and control your circle of friends: for instance, when he suddenly turns up at your friend’s gathering which you were planning to attend alone. Do not buy into “I’ve just missed you and I couldn’t bear to be without you” BS-it’s just that-a BS.

If the sex suddenly (even occasionally) gets really rough and painful (to a point where it’s clearly not a “play” anymore), demand it to stop. Don’t believe “I just got so excited”, “You are driving me crazy” statements. If some truly cares about you, they will always and always make a conscious effort not to hurt you. Inflicting rough/painful sex on a woman is often a man’s way to show her he is the boss, he “owns” her and can do to/with her as he pleases. His assurances afterwards that he is “sorry” and “didn’t mean it” are empty and meaningless. The fact that he might be your partner or husband does not make it right-it’s still abuse.

Women have come a long way from the dark days of “barefoot and pregnant”, but we are still far off the target of real and true equality In some ways it’s harder to fight oppression these days because the oppressors got smarter and craftier: they hide their actions behind a thin (and very fake) veneer of wanting “what’s best for us”. 
Be smart. Don’t let them pull a wool over your eyes. Build your own wealth and independence. You can and you don’t need a man to help you.

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