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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The importance of being organised and taking care of oneself

The importance of being organised and taking care of oneself



Sex worker’s ability to generate income depends on her/his looks and presentation first and foremost.  One must be well-presented, well-groomed, apparently at ease and relaxed in order to command the top rates.

Personal well-being is very much connected to being organised, as many a research and study had proved.

Being organised helps you be more productive, focused on what you want to achieve, achieve more balance in your life and present more positive business image (I strongly advocate treating sex work as business and run it accordingly).
On the other hand, constant chaos creates stress and from that stems an array of issues: both physical and mental.

A good first step is to get an organiser: a proper paper/day timer one (vs. electronic). The best kind is the one that allows for enough spaces to record daily appointments (with times pre-printed on the left), but also shows you your week at a glance: on two pages. This will make it easy for you to know your availability/schedule at any given times in a matter of seconds.

I recommend highlighting different appointments with different highlighters: each category of appointment assigned a special unique colour.

For instance, highlight all your client bookings in red, personal appointments (such as hair, beauty, massage, etc.) in green, business-related appointments (such as accountant, lawyer, bank) in yellow, fitness appointments (gym, walks) in blue and entertainment (dinners with friends, movies, parties) in orange. It could be any other colour for the above-mine are just an example.

Don’t forget to block the ENTIRE time required to complete the appointment.
For example: for 1 hour booking that starts at 10 am the lines from 10a, to 11:30 am should be blocked. This way it is clear from just a glance that you can book the next appointment at 11:30am and not any time before then.

I recommend at least 30 min (that’s the absolute minimum, 45 min-1 hr is preferred) gap in-between the bookings, as this gives you enough time to shower, change, re-set the room and also allows for force majore events, such as previous client overstaying a bit or next client arriving a bit early.
It is never a good look to greet the client when you are apparently not completely ready, look stressed and are running around the room trying to set it up and/or looking for things-it comes across as unprofessional and might set of a negative cue in client’s mind.
When you open the door you should appear immaculately presented, relaxed and at ease, focused solely on the client.

Personally, I am usually completely ready about 10-15 min prior to client’s arrival-in case of him being early. I stress that I do not approve of clients doing this and definitely discourage such behaviour, but it does happen occasionally and I’d rather not look frazzled when it does.
I use these 10-15 min productively by checking/replying to my emails, reading a quick article or updating my work Twitter.

While sex business could be frustrating at times with clients asking for last-minute/short notice bookings, always keep in mind that while you can’t control other’s behaviour, you most definitely can control your life.

Make it clear in your ad and website that you prefer appointments made in advance. It is very important to develop a reputation for reliability with those: if you accept the appointment, make every effort to deliver. If you keep cancelling, you’ll acquire a reputation as “flaky and unreliable” and clients would be reluctant to book in advance, opting instead for “now” bookings as it would seem more of a sure bet to them.

Asking for advanced bookings doesn’t mean you have to miss out on occasional short notice one.
It won’t take you long to figure out your most popular/requested times. Generally speaking, around lunch (11:30-1pm) and at the end of the workday (4:30pm-5:30pm) are very popular.

Get ready in the morning and plan some activities that involve you staying put at your incall: pay bills online, answer your emails, update your website, write a blog post (if you have a blog), catch up on phone calls to family/friends, do some financial planning/investing, take an online course, book your next tour/trip, clean/tidy your premises. The possibilities are endless. This way you are spending your time productively.

However, don’t get sucked into “I must stay around in case someone calls”mentality. Decide in advance how much time you will allow for this. Generally speaking, clients who book on the day, tend to do so sometime in the morning/early afternoon. It is important for you to get on with your life as you’ve planned it.


Exercise and/or walking should be an important part of the day. It is too easy to succumb to “Oh, I need to take this booking” mentality and skip a work-out and before you know, it’s been days since you’ve exercised. And it is a big deal, as it will inevitably lead to weight gain, which triggers anxiety, which affects sleep, etc., etc., etc.-the chain is very long and unpleasant.
It is recommended that an average person takes about 10,000 steps a day. It isn’t actually that much, but it is about an hour worth of walking. I do 19,000-23,000/day, some days as many as 27,000-29,000.

While it is important to eat somewhat sensibly, I am a big advocate of MOVING. The more you move, the better. It has been proven that physical activity improves brain function and overall well-being, not to mention obvious benefits such as burning of the calories and toning the muscles. And nothing beats fresh air. I’ve noticed that I frequently get the best ideas while I am walking-usually about 45 min-1 hour into a walk.

Sometimes our work leaves us feeling tired. It is important not to confuse mental tiredness with physical tiredness. If you haven’t walked or exercised at all that day, try to make yourself do it.  It is too easy to let yourself slip into comfy PJs and sit with a glass of wine in front of TV.

Sometimes when I’ve had especially trying day (mentally), I bargain with myself: I tell myself that I will only walk for a few minutes (as something is better than nothing) and then if I feel really exhausted, I would return home. Once you start walking, though, you feel better and end up doing a long walk.

Another trick is to walk in one direction (vs. circling the area) for a while, because then you would have to walk just as long to get backJ.
Circling a relatively small area while walking is a good trick if you want to capture short notice bookings: you can still get back to your incall within 5-10 min ;).

Do not let clients run your life: if you have decided on whatever activity (non-client related), don’t let them talk you into cancelling/interrupting it in order to accommodate their booking.

Also don’t succumb to “Can’t you just squeeze me in” pleas when you know you don’t have enough time-this ends badly more often than not in these days of internet forums and online reviews. While clients who ask to be “squeezed” in sound eager, they are hoping it would be done at the expense of someone else (as in another client’s time would be cut short). If you take their booking and then either appear unprepared (hair and make-up, state of the room) or rush the booking somewhat, they will cut you no slack on the review boards and you will potentially lose hundreds of dollars (could be thousands, actually) of revenue because you were swayed by this one guy’s charms/pleas or a prospect of making a quick extra couple of hundred.

Besides, the more you let other people dictate your schedule, the more chaotic your life would be. You’d feel as if you have no control and this leads to various *bigger* problems.


Developing good screening techniques will help you to weed out most of the timewasters/time-blockers and no-shows, but unfortunately no screening is 100% fool-proof. Timewasters and their ilk are very much a reality of the sex industry. They happen.
Still, you should stay in control. If you have a no-show or a last-minute cancellation, do not try to restructure your entire day because of it. Stick with your schedule. Use the unexpected opening to do a quick walk, read a book, do some chores, etc.

I do not re-schedule my clients under any circumstances (e.g. I would not be contacting clients asking them to move the time of their booking because I’ve had a cancellation/no-show). I think it appears un-professional.

Pay attention to what you eat: fresh fruit and veges are great! Green salads and smoothies are fantastic. Instead of choosing coffee/sugar hit, opt for a kale/spinach/banana smoothie to boost your energy levels. The rule of thumb: the less the food was f….d with, the better it is for you.


Sleep is extremely important. It is also one of the most neglected areas for a lot of people. A person requires about 8 hours of sleep daily. Women need 7-9 hours daily.

Benefits of sleep are many. A good night’s sleep can help stave off headaches, boost focus and increase bone density. Studies shown that a particular protein which boosts the immune system is developed by our bodies during sleep. Sleep is also known as a vital part of weight loss.

It is important to go to bed before midnight: stress hormone cortisol’s production naturally slows down about 2 hours before midnight and increases again around 2am.  So it is not a good idea to stay up late and then drag yourself awake early to “make up” for a missed work-out from yesterday. It does more harm than good.

I suggest turning off (completely powering off vs. putting on “silent”) all your devices such as phone, computer, tablet at certain time of the evening (not too late-before 10pm) in order to relax and let your body do what it does best: run your systems to your advantage.


Even if you are the most un-organised person, organisation is a learned behaviour. Studies show that it takes just 21 days to form a habit (any habit).
Start with simple things.

Make your bed as soon as you get out of it. Not only this simple task will put you in “organised” mood, it will prevent any temptation to get back into it later (when you should be walking or doing something productive).

Give your toilet a once-over after you’ve finished using it every morning. It only takes a couple of minutes (literally) to use a brush and some cleaner and wipe it with bleach, but your toilet will stay sparkling white for years and there will never be any need for a major hour-long scrubbing.

Wash your dishes and put them away immediately after you’ve finished using them. A couple of glasses/cups and a plates only takes minutes to wash, but a sink full of dirty dishes may appear like an insurmountable task.

Do spot-cleaning frequently, every time you find a few odd minutes with nothing to do: dust a couple of shelves, run a vacuum for a couple of minutes, etc. This way cleaning wouldn’t seem like such a huge task and you won’t have to dedicate a large time slot to it.

Throw your laundry in a wash before you go for walk, then into the dryer before you take a trip to a grocery store. It doesn’t seem like a chore then-just a quick thing to do before you set off.

Being organised helps un-clatter your mind. Once you are able to visualise your day and your week clearly, it’s not long before you will notice other positive changes in your life, attitude and well-being.

This will definitely reflect on your business in many ways (all of them good).

P.S. I've offered some tips for organizing finances/budgeting for sex workers here:  http://courtesansdiary.blogspot.co.nz/2013/06/some-tips-for-easier-budgeting-for.html

Thursday, April 9, 2015

We Need A Better Review Culture

I was forwarded a couple of links to a great and very relevant blog by a sex-worker from US. I feel they both merit a re-post:

http://titsandsass.com/we-need-a-better-review-culture/http://titsandsass.com/we-need-a-better-review-culture/

by KITTEN KARLYLE on MAY 28, 2013 · 44 COMMENTS
Let's boycott the review boards en masse and create our own.(Courtesy of ManBoobz)
Let’s boycott the review boards en masse and create our own.(Courtesy of ManBoobz)
Since becoming a full-time companion (my euphemism of choice) in the United States about nine months ago, I have noticed two distinct issues that affect our safety and ability to continue to operate. The first, most pressing issue is the fact that full service sex work is illegal in most parts of the country. The second issue is the fact that a very large online community of reviewers or “hobbyists” exists. While most hobbyists are not sociopathic predators who use coercive tactics to rape sex workers, the very fact that a review community exists creates a power structure that makes coercive rape a fairly common occurrence for sex workers. With so many sex workers coming forward saying they were sexually violated after being blackmailed with the threat of a bad review, there is something deeply wrong with a community of reviewers who perpetuate misogyny and rape culture.
The problem comes out of the hobbyist propensity to reduce sex workers to commodities. Many hobbyists claim it is important for them to know what they are getting into if they’re going to drop that kind of money on a “product,” and on the surface this argument makes sense. Law enforcement is a very real concern not only for sex workers, but also for our clients. It seems reasonable that a client would want to know whether or not they can trust that a sex worker is legit before agreeing to meet with them. Depending on the mood I’m in, I can even be sympathetic to the plight of the poor hobbyist who had a kinky fantasy that a sex worker cannot/won’t fulfill. We are, after all, quite the expensive hobby.
When we talk about reviews, though, and the information that is contained within them, we are not just talking about simple yes or no answers to questions of legitimacy and customer satisfaction. The hobbyists’ arguments for the necessity of reviews fall apart with one look at the reviews themselves. Not only will you find a full and detailed accounting of a sex worker’s body type and appearance, grooming habits, gender assignment versus presentation, and how nice/real their various body parts may or may not be; you also have the opportunity to read a very detailed account of the session a hobbyist enjoyed (or didn’t) with a sex worker. This includes all the dirty details on what the sex worker was or was not willing to do, and how happy or unhappy that made the hobbyist. These reviews can often read just like an Amazon.com review, with all the information about the provider’s body listed like basic product info, and the experience with the product (person) detailed below. I think most sex workers and even quite a few hobbyists would agree that these details are unnecessary and in fact compromise sex workers’ legal safety, since most of us try not to admit to exchanging sex for money.
I believe these sorts of details are included in order to commoditize sex workers, making them less than human and less deserving of empathy. It also creates a power structure in which hobbyists can use the threat of a bad review, or disappointment at not receiving services a sex worker chooses not to provide, to coerce workers into doing things they don’t want to do.
Let’s say, for example, that business has not been as good as usual for the past month and you’re worried about paying your rent. What happens when you agree to a session with a hobbyist during this financially unstable period? You could show up and your session could go very well and you could leave it feeling relieved that this hobbyist will probably write you a good review and you will probably get more clients from it and thus be able to make that rent payment. Or, perhaps you show up to the session and the hobbyist will ask you for anal sex even though that’s something you don’t always do (but have done in the past and some of your reviews mentioned that you did.) When you tell them that’s a boundary you can’t cross that particular day, they tell you that they’re really disappointed since they read a review that says you did it, and they may even want their money back and/or subtly threaten to write a bad review. What choice do you make then? Is it really so easy to stick to that boundary when your rent is coming up and you know you won’t be able to pay it with that bad review out there affecting your bookings? This is the type of situation that sex workers in areas dominated by review board culture frequently find themselves in. This is how hobbyists use their power and entitlement to rape.
This massage worker had the temerity to speak during the session! Sadly, the racism and misogyny displayed  here is all too typical of review culture. (Screenshot from www.toronto-exotic-massage.com)
This massage worker had the temerity to speak during the session! Sadly, the racism and misogyny displayed here are all too typical of review culture. (Screenshot from www.toronto-exotic-massage.com)
There are many, many sex workers out there who depend on reviews for business. Some sex workers even exclusively use reviews for marketing and advertising. I have been lucky enough to avoid accepting reviews altogether while still maintaining a healthy business. I devote a large amount of my time to marketing and advertising in venues outside of review boards, and maintained a sexuality blog that talked in detail about my sex life and interests before I even entered into this business that has been an invaluable marketing tool for letting potential clients know what I’m all about. I would never expect other sex workers to opt out of reviews, especially if they know how to work the system in a way that feels safe to them and makes them lots of money.
However, we need to begin working towards abolishing the hobbyist review system as it exists today. This work begins by doing just what we’re doing here: talking about why review culture is a problem, a hierarchical system that creates a culture of coercion and rape. We need to be outspoken with our clients about this and ask them to opt out where they can. Until we achieve decriminalization, we need to think about ways we can keep the process of vetting sex workers and clients more egalitarian. There are blacklists (though I do not believe there are many free-to-view blacklists currently operating, and that’s a big problem), and sites like P411 and Date-Check at least allow us to say whether or not a client is “OK,” or “satisfactory.” But we need to level the playing field by lobbying clients and review boards to include less information on sex workers in reviews. Finally, we need to create a review site maintained by sex workers that goes into detail about how clients behaved in sessions. I get a big kick out of imagining a client review site that lists details like penis size and sexual prowess. What would be most helpful, though, is knowing how well a client respects not only the sex worker’s boundaries but also their humanity.

From an Industry to A Hobby: How Review Boards Have Changed Our Work

I was forwarded a couple of links to a great and very relevant blog by a sex-worker from US. I feel they both merit a re-post:

http://titsandsass.com/from-an-industry-to-a-hobby-how-review-boards-have-changed-our-work/

The good old days: 2007 Village Voice print escort ads, shortly before the dominion of the review boards (courtesy of the Design Observatory Group)
The good old days: 2007 Village Voice print escort ads, shortly before the monopoly of the review boards (courtesy of the Design Observatory Group)
When I first started working as an escort in this industry, review boards did not exist. The internet was not as widely used as it is now and I worked for agencies that advertised in the phone book or in local papers. We didn’t even have to post photos of ourselves in a public forum; some operator just described our looks and personality over the phone and clients took their chance at booking us. Business was hit or miss, but I liked the anonymity. Though I heard more and more escorts were using online advertising to promote themselves, I was late to the game. My old way of working didn’t yield me as much revenue as other workers, but it protected my privacy. And then finally the gig was up. I had to change with the times and start advertising online or I would have virtually no business. But I didn’t want a website. And I definitely didn’t want reviews.
I first became aware of escort review sites when I read an article about the Big Doggie debacle of 2002 and even then, I still didn’t quite understand what the website was. Upon visiting TBD for the first time, it looked like a confusing mess of ads and message boards, none of which I could access. Sometime later I found out about The Erotic Review, mostly from the controversy stemming from its founder Dave Elms and the various charges that were brought against him. Either way, I wanted nothing to do with either site. As someone who had already experienced arrest once before while working, I couldn’t believe any escort would want a detailed description of a session with a client posted online for anyone to read, providing law enforcement with another tool to prove their guilt in prostitution cases. Oh sure, the  disclaimer stated that the reviews were for “entertainment purposes only”, but when escorts got “fake” reviews, they were sure to raise holy hell about it and complain to the site administrators to have it removed, which is a daunting process in itself.
Then I got one. A fake review, that is. Yes, my first review was a fake review. It described me as having blond hair (not at that time),fake boobs (I wish) and doing a session I don’t recall booking, but I couldn’t read the rest because I wasn’t a “VIP” member. It was just a fluke that I found it as I never looked at TER, but I was bored one night and there it was, linked to my phone number and email address. I didn’t know what action to take–I didn’t know if I even could take action. Then a friend who was well-versed in the review system told me I could write the TER administrators and have the review pulled, which they did. But that request also got me banned from having a profile on the site, either to place ads or comment on the message boards. At the time, I didn’t care much about this.
A sample TER escort review screenshot
A sample TER escort review screenshot
Then things started to change in my world. I started to hang out with more escorts and attend “meet and greet” parties for escorts and clients,where folks would talk about “the boards” (the discussion boards on TER) and ask if I had reviews, where I advertised, and how long I’d been working. Turns out I’d been escorting for a while but because I didn’t use “the boards,” I was virtually unknown in this community and thought of as a newbie, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. In casual conversation, other ladies would refer to clients by their TER handles. Some were even good friends with the board moderators, who wielded a lot of power. The previous year, several of them even attended the funeral of a hobbyist, a popular presence on the local board who used to write naughty limericks and was well-liked by many local escorts and clients. To this day, they still refer to him as his TER handle, never by his first name. It seemed to be a real community, something I wished I could’ve found years earlier before I got involved with sex worker activism.
I also started to get more reviews, unbeknownst to me as I thought I had been delisted. I advertised strictly for massage at the time (but did escort sessions for regular clients and those I felt comfortable with) and while my reviews were good, the numerical ratings for my performance were limited due to the acts I wouldn’t perform. I had no idea about any of this until a good client tried to post an outstanding review for me and had it rejected because the rating was not on par with previous reviews. He pushed through and got it posted, but not without lamenting on the boards about what a fucked up system it was. Then it happened again. A client that I had a fantastic session with had posted a review that was rejected because he had to find a way to prove that I was “really bi” because I don’t do anal, acts that could warrant a higher rating on the site. As per site rules—”An escort provider may only be eligible to earn up to a 7, unless she is also willing to perform the following during a session: Kisses With Tongue, Bare-Back Blow Job, Really Bi, Anal Sex, or More than One Guy. The addition of each offering will raise the score she is eligible for by one point,” with the best rating being a 10 for a “once in a lifetime” session, down to a 1 for a “ripoff.” So if the provider only does erotic massage sessions, the highest performance rating she could get is a 7. Same thing with most pro-domme sessions. Once again, the front page of the site states “everything contained here is fiction and is for your entertainment and amusement only,” so why have a rating system that scores higher points for a provider if a reviewer can “prove” he committed certain acts with her if it’s all supposedly fictional? Yes, I’m aware that they make that disclosure statement for legal reasons, but the hypocrisy of it is still so preposterous.
This got me thinking back to the pre-review days when you could refuse to perform a certain act that you were uncomfortable with, and usually, that was fine. If the client was upset about it he might not see you again, but you didn’t have to read about it a few days later. Blow jobs always required a condom (CBJ), deep french kissing (DFK), was reserved for clients that were super-cute, and Greek was rarely on the menu. Nowadays, escorts are pushed to perform acts that make them uncomfortable, all for the sake of getting that 10 point review. I think this blurs the lines of consent: are escorts performing certain acts that are out of their comfort zone because they want to or because they are fearful of getting a less than stellar review that might affect their business?
It’s not to say that good reviews can’t help an escort’s business, but much like the Yelp! review system for mainstream businesses, this review system has flaws. Fake reviews are harder and harder to get removed these days, stories proliferate of guys writing poor reviews to get back at escorts for whatever reason, and review board owners sometimes lower the review scores of escorts who won’t fuck them for free. The first time an escort friend of mine got a mediocre review, she started sobbing in her hotel room, damning the last minute appointment she took with the guy who showed up late and had to be rushed out the door, resulting in a bad experience for him. I tried to console her in every way possible, saying the reviews were an offensive, ridiculous practice and that she had dozens of glowing reviews to offset that last one, but she was convinced it would destroy her business. Another time, I sat having cocktails with three other escorts who were obsessed with talking about their review scores, talking up their 9s and 10s as if this point system were the only thing that proved their value as sex workers .
Sample TER escort review screenshot
Sample TER escort review screenshot
The guys who write reviews call themselves “hobbyists,” a term I had never heard before these review sites popped up. Some of them proudly identify with the title, but here’s the deal—there are “hobbyists” and then there are clients. Hobbyists are generally not good clients. They’re not the guys that we want to cultivate into regulars, the ones who we make a connection with, who treat us like queens. They’re the guys who want to see a different girl every week or two so they can write a review and get their 15 day free VIP membership. They make promises like “I will repeat” in their reviews, but they rarely do, as they can’t review the same person again, so they move on to the next escort. My best clients, my regulars, the ones who take me out on the town and spend all night with me, don’t write reviews. A few admit to reading them, but none of them write them. Sometimes these hobbyists go into shock when they see that a provider doesn’t have any reviews, not realizing that there’s a whole world of men out there who don’t read or write reviews or even know about the existence of these review boards.
Nowadays, there’s review sites for nearly every aspect of the industry—from Pro-dommes and subs, massage parlor workers, strippers, streetwalkers, and of course, escorts. The conversations that transpire among hobbyists on some of these review sites oftentimes range from junior high banter littered with talk about “hookers” and “how to weed out fat and ugly providers” to the nearly indecipherable posts strewn with acronyms (BBBJCIMNQNS, MSOG, DATY, DT, DS, FF, etc.) that even Urban Dictionary can’t always interpret. While most of it is just annoying nonsense, much of it is offensive enough to fuel the prohibitionists’ fire in characterizing all johns as predators who need to be punished. Earlier this year, one grad student from the University of Chicago even did a research study  on the USA Sex Guide (one of the more detestable yet comprehensive review boards)  called “Our Great Hobby” (Manson, Mann, Marro, Matvey), in which it was determined that “many of the men blame women for enticing them to buy sex.” While it seems questionable that monitoring two months of message board posts from anonymous users would qualify as research that properly characterizes all men who buy sexual services, it does show that outsiders are taking notice of these websites and using the information gained from them to try to take down the industry as a whole. (I won’t even touch on the campaign that’s littering the streets of Chicago right now.)
This isn’t to say I’m slamming all sex worker review boards. I understand many workers absolutely loathe the boards but I’m also aware they serve a purpose. I’ve talked to many clients over the years who’ve been scammed by sex workers who took their money and ran, did a bait and switch or provided a poor experience. There’s also the fact that the spread of End Demand ideology nationwide has caused LE to ramp up arrests of johns, so they need to be wary of undercover cops posing as escorts. I get that these guys need to have a venue to check on someone and see if they’re a legitimate provider who will provide them with the type of experience that they’re looking for. I also understand that many providers find these sites to be helpful for their business, and that they provide a forum for them to connect with other workers. The boards offer a community for both sex workers and clients that wasn’t present when I first started in the industry. All that aside, they are also a sexist and demeaning forum for hobbyists to engage one another in locker room behavior without having to confront anyone face to face. One bad date on what might be an off day can potentially ruin a provider’s business, and most sites don’t allow any forum for rebuttal. Still, reviews and review sites have dramatically changed the industry in the past decade and many of the workers I know that have entered into the industry during that time can’t seem to live without ‘em.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Abuse has many different forms

Grim subject, I know, but this has to be talked about-to help people understand it better and to find the ways to combat it. If we don’t talk about bad things, if we sweep them under the carpet, nothing will ever change. The only way to effect change is to continue to educate the public.

We all know what obvious, “traditional” abuse is: hurting someone physically. But abuse is not limited to just physical manifestations, far from it.
Sometimes it hides under declarations of “love” and wanting “what’s best for the person”.
Abusers wear many hats and many faces.
Some do so by attempting to control their partner, their every move.
Others try to isolate them, frighten them, and destroy their confidence in themselves.
Trying to make your partner believe that things are not what they are, that black is white and white is black, threaten them, keeping them in a constant state of fear
They might tell you that they’ve “made you”, that you are worthless, you are nothing without them, even that they “own” you.

There are many kinds of violence against women: some of them obvious, some not so much, but all of them are dangerous.
Especially cunning are the subtle ones, the ones where a guy convinces a woman that whatever he does, he does it because he loves her, he wants what’s best for her.
Every time she does something not to his liking, he punishes her and then convinces her it’s her own fault until she actually believes that she deserved the punishment.
This “punishment” could be a threat to withhold the money from her or to take away her children or to destroy her business-it doesn’t have to be physical.

While majority of sex industry clients are perfectly nice, well-adjusted guys who simply want to have some fun in the sack, it also attracts all sorts of unsavoury, unbalanced and flat out dangerous types.
There are misogynists who hold women in contempt. For them sex workers are easy targets: they figured there will be no complaints to authorities because many hide their identity and wouldn’t want the way they earn money to be made public. They also bank on the fact that general notion is “I am paying you the money, so I do what I want”.

These guys do not book WGs because they want sex. What they want is to assert control, show a woman who is “really in charge” and sometimes to act out their violent tendencies. What they really after is bring a woman, any woman down a notch and show them their place.

Just recently I heard a story of a guy who called and asked a WG if she would like “a bit of domination”. He obviously knew what he was doing because he picked a young and fairly inexperienced one. He presented well-dressed, polite and very pleasant. He almost immediately proceeded to attempt to literally rip her clothes off, slap her breasts very hard, all the while calling her a slut and a whore. When she screamed for him to stop, he said he “just got over-excited”, but then proceeded with pushing her on the floor and slapping her butt and legs, then grabbing a vibrator and shoving it hard inside her to a point where  she thought  he was actually going to rip her apart. At this point she was crying yet he continued the assault (because that’s exactly what that was) for the next 10 minutes until he finally stopped and declared that “she was worth every penny”. He remained fully clothed in a suit the entire time. His penis never came out nor did he touch himself. Before he left he made a point of saying that “this was all in the name of good fun” and actually had the audacity to ask if the WG would see him again!

It is very clear to me this guy knew exactly what he was doing and the statements about “getting too excited” and “ this being a good fun and games” were designed to cover his tracks in case the WG actually filed a complaint with the police for assault.

Some guys assert their control by pounding WGs mercilessly as hard as they can the entire duration of a booking.
There is a difference between “hard and fast” sex for pure pleasure and enjoyment of it (usually happens for a few moments before a guy is ready to come) and a deliberate prolonged pounding.
You can see it in their faces: they very clearly exerting themselves in an attempt to inflict the hardest impact possible (and inflict the pain if they can) and their sole focus is on that, not on their enjoyment.

Others spend entire booking in an attempt to “break” the girl. They either slap really hard (breasts or buttocks), try to choke (with their hands or their penis), or pull WGs hair. I once had a guy pull my hair so hard (and for a few long moments, it wasn’t just a quick yank in the heat of the moment) that tears streamed involuntarily from my eyes. Post-coitus he even made a comment on how I seemed to be able to take his hair pulling while other girls could not, which was a clear indication of deliberate and pre-meditated action. The fact that he tried again, even harder and longer in the second round confirmed that.

Another group of guys actively seek out WGs and try to enter into a personal intimate relationship with them so that they can live off their earning and not have to work themselves. They usually present as charming and caring in the “woe” stage of the relationship and often disguise their intentions by seemingly wanting to help a WG organise and run her business, but it all turns ugly when she wants to break up with them.

Suddenly claims of “I’ve made you who you are” and “I’ve built your business” come up and threats of destroying her business through fake reviews on the industry boards, spreading nasty rumours, deleting WGs web content because they(ex-BFs and wanna-be BFs) have control of it, etc. At the risk of sounding crass: unless you were the one sucking cock in the bedroom, you haven’t done jack shit.  And it’s a fact. All of these girls were doing just fine before they’ve met you and they will continue doing fine long after you are but a distant (albeit unpleasant) memory.

These guys are often relentless and stop at nothing in an attempt to maintain control of their victims. They threaten with outing her to her friends and family, dobbing her to tax authorities, suing her for half of her assets (because it’s a “relationship property”, never mind that they have not put a red cent into it and have lived rent and expense-free off her earnings while not holding a job themselves for the entire duration of the “relationship”).

Ladies, all the above falls into the category of the emotional abuse. In New Zealand the law was passed a few years ago outlining the parameters and there are several precedents of court’s rulings on the subject. Do not put up with it. Do not let these guys make you believe that you are worthless, that you are nothing without them. It’s them who need you, not the other way around.

It is very unfortunate that it has come to this, but I strongly recommend clearly outlining parameters very early in the relationship. Preferably in writing and by a lawyer. I know sometimes a guy looks like a knight in shining armour, but experiences teaches us they are not all like that. Some have hidden agendas and others just turn vicious when things don’t go their way. Protect yourselves and your hard-earned assets.

Some of those guys will try to convince you they are heroes here to save you and you should be grateful for everything they’ve done. Be wary. If a guy wants to do something for you for free, carefully think before you accept. There are no free lunches. Does he expect something in return? What if you won’t deliver it? What will happen? Sometimes it’s easier to hire a professional and pay them their rates: this way it’s a straight forward transaction and you are in control and don’t have to worry that your website, for example, is going to suddenly disappear because a wanna-be BF created it and has full control of it and he is now angry at some real or imagined transgression.

Get an accountant to handle your taxes (I very strongly recommend paying taxes), get a lawyer (if not on retainer, then create an ongoing professional relationship with one) to handle any issues that might come up. For sex workers I recommend finding a lawyer with a strong background in IP (intellectual property).

If you have kid(s), hire a babysitter when you need one instead of letting your BF look after your kids: not only it might turn ugly if and when you break up, but he might later claim costs and/or part of your business for that.

If you feel you need additional security, then either collaborate with other WGs or hire a driver/security instead of letting a BF do the job: while it seems like a convenient and cheap option at present it might bite you in the ass in the future if you break up and he claims part of your business earnings.

Do not let anyone have control of your web content (whether a website or social media accounts). You may not always get it right, but it is your business, your brand, your image-don’t let others manipulate it.

Always insist on maintaining your own friends. Have your own (independent of your BF) support system. Be very suspicious when a BF tries to isolate you and control your circle of friends: for instance, when he suddenly turns up at your friend’s gathering which you were planning to attend alone. Do not buy into “I’ve just missed you and I couldn’t bear to be without you” BS-it’s just that-a BS.

If the sex suddenly (even occasionally) gets really rough and painful (to a point where it’s clearly not a “play” anymore), demand it to stop. Don’t believe “I just got so excited”, “You are driving me crazy” statements. If some truly cares about you, they will always and always make a conscious effort not to hurt you. Inflicting rough/painful sex on a woman is often a man’s way to show her he is the boss, he “owns” her and can do to/with her as he pleases. His assurances afterwards that he is “sorry” and “didn’t mean it” are empty and meaningless. The fact that he might be your partner or husband does not make it right-it’s still abuse.

Women have come a long way from the dark days of “barefoot and pregnant”, but we are still far off the target of real and true equality In some ways it’s harder to fight oppression these days because the oppressors got smarter and craftier: they hide their actions behind a thin (and very fake) veneer of wanting “what’s best for us”. 
Be smart. Don’t let them pull a wool over your eyes. Build your own wealth and independence. You can and you don’t need a man to help you.