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Wednesday, January 21, 2015

It's not what we say, it's how we say it

What we say can be met with polar opposite reactions based on the style of delivery.
Don't believe me? Let me illustrate with this *pure fictional* example
Imagine a WG posts the following account of a booking gone wrong on the industry forum:

I was contacted for an appointment by a gentleman via text. Although he used heavy text-speak and terms such as "hun" instead of my name and "Hey" in a way of a greeting and his inquiry was a bit abrupt, he sounded OK and I have accepted the booking.
When he turned up 10 min later than appointed time which he originally requested, it became apparent that some sort of manual labour is how he earns his living: he obviously just got off work, his clothes were heavily stained with mud, oil and sweat, he wore mud-splattered work boots and emanated quite heavy body odour. His hands had  dirt particles clearly visible under his (untrimmed) nails. This man clearly worked hard all day. He appeared to be of a middle age or slightly older, heavy-set and although possibly not un-attractive under different circumstances (when he is presented better) really looked somewhat worth for wear.
When he greeted me with "Heya,you look hot" and attempted to grab my behind and a kiss on the mouth barely after clearing the threshold, I pulled away slightly and with a smile said "Hi. Nice to meet you. Come on over and I'll show you through to the shower".
"I don't need no shower" was his reply as he grabbed hold of my breasts and tried to pull me close. His breath wafted through and it was not fresh.
I tried to playfully pull away and said with a smile "You worked hard all day, wouldn't you like a nice hot shower to wash it all away?"
Instead of answering, he pulled me in again and attempted to push his hand between my legs.
I twisted away and again suggested he makes his way to the bathroom to freshen up. He refused and I knew that I simply won't be able to deliver the service he is paying for and is expecting-not in the state he was.
I didn't want him to feel ripped off, so I told him that I won't be able to continue with the booking. At this point no money has exchanged hands and I did not request any. I simply opened the door and bid him good bye.
He left, but 5 min later I received a text from him laden with expletives. I did not reply.
The incident left me feeling a bit shaken.

This style of story telling will most likely incite a great deal of support towards the WG-from both male and female participants and the guy will receive none or very little.
It relays the facts without editorial comments, is non-judgemental and presents no assumptions.
Here's the same exact story told in a different manner:

So this fuckwit who can't even write properly books half an hour. I thought he was a moron, but what the fuck, money is money, so I took the booking.
He turns up late and looks like shit: filthy clothes and shoes, smells like a sewer. Must be a high-school drop-out, seeing how digging ditches is the only job he could find, the dimwit. Fat old ugly fuck, too.
Grabs my ass right off the bat, asshole. I tell him to get his nasty ass to the shower and he refuses. What an idiot!
I tell him I won't be fucking him if he doesn't shower and he gets in my face. Who the fuck he thinks he is, c...t??!!  C...ts like him I wouldn't touch with a six foot pole in real life, he should be grateful I am even considering letting him touch me. And I wouldn't kiss his nasty-ass mouth no matter how much he pays me! 
I tell him to get the fuck out and he does, then sends me this nasty-ass text 5 min later calling me dirty ho and stuff...
WTF??!! People like him should just crawl back in the shithole they came from. No woman would ever fuck him!

This style will most likely produce a negative reaction towards the WG, especially from male part of the audience.
The sympathy would lay with the guy, because the WG comes across as judgemental, client-negative, makes a lot of assumptions in  her account and uses the language that is generally perceived as off-putting.
Internet is everywhere these days. People do form their opinions of someone based on how that person comes across. 
Yes, one can like or dislike someone they have never actually met based on their online comments (just look at the multi-billion internet dating industry). It is not irrational or illogical. Just ask WGs who actively participate in industry forums: some guys spend a great deal of time and money (SIM cards, burner phones) just to mess up some WG's day simply because they didn't like something she said on the forum ;).

So, boys and girls, think before you type ;)

Thursday, January 15, 2015

On the importance of consistency

Sex workers who are truly professional realise the importance of consistency and continuity in their advertising, marketing and actual service delivery.
This is, after all, a business and in order to succeed in the long term one has to establish certain standards upon which clients will come to rely when making a booking with a particular provider.
Consistency (or lack of thereof) can easily make or break WGs reputation thus affecting her earning potential.

Good start is to think long and hard about which services you are comfortable with. Don't offer something you really don't want to do, but feel you have to. Although on the surface it seems like a good idea because it will attract wider pool of clients, reality is it will come back to haunt you.

The most common example is French kissing (DFK). If you offer it on your service menu, it is a good idea to be willing to perform it on each and every client who's booking you've accepted.

Be prepared for the fact that some guys will kiss in a way you might find off-putting. This is a service industry, however, and you are getting paid to perform certain activities, so if you decided to offer this service, you will have to deal it.

It is not a good idea to state "kissing at my discretion", as it will turn off more potential clients than it will attract: no one likes rejection and inevitably every guy you said "No kissing" to will feel rejected. The booking will be tinged with negative emotions from the get go, which will not only make it tedious for you, but might result in nit-picking of every little thing by a client: what would have been otherwise pleasant experience in his mind would turn into something that was not.

Guys like to anchor their opinions to hard facts, so the resulting review might turn things that are normally considered good into something that is negative and every little aspect of the booking will be put under microscope with the purpose of giving it a negative connotation.

Equally inadvisable is "selected kissing" (kissing some and not the others) : inevitably some guy who genuinely enjoyed the experience will write a glowing review and mention "lots of passionate kissing" and all the others who booked you before and didn't get it will feel cheated. This will cause some sort of backlash (either publicly or privately) which will negatively impact on your business.

So either offer it or don't-and stick with it.

I realise sometimes it's hard. But there are ways to make things easier.

One way is to develop and hone your client screening skills and be selective about whom you see. Although not a 100% guarantee, generally guys who sound polite and respectful on the phone, appear to have read your ad and speak properly (as in don't use excessive slang and/or crude language) will turn out to be clean, well-presented, nice smelling and have a fresh breath. The polite and respectful aspect will carry on throughout the booking.

Another way is to have good selection of products in the bathroom: toothpaste, disposable toothbrushes, mouth wash, mints. If guy's breath is not fresh, suggest he avails himself to those. This doesn't need be harsh or offensive-you can make a game of it.
For example, playfully lead him to the bathroom by the hand and say something like "I just want to make sure I am minty-fresh for you" *wink,smile* and gargle your mouth while casually offering some to him. He will follow suit.

If you want him to do it really good and at length, place his hands on your breasts (perhaps while both of you are in front of the sink mirror) while he is swishing mouthwash in his mouth and he will be pre-occupied for a few long seconds necessary for the product to do it's job :).

Obviously, kissing is just one example. There are plenty more.

The only exception would be Greek (anal) service, as WG's ability to perform it truly depends on client's penis' size while erect. So until this has happened, no WG can possibly say with any certainty whether or not the service will take place. Side note: guys are funny in a way they often tend to exaggerate the size of their penis while talking about it generally and diminish it when requesting anal :).

Consistency in WG's marketing and advertising is equally important.

It is a good idea to pick one working name and stick with it. Sometimes name change is necessary for various *legitimate* reasons, but clients often perceive it as some sort of trickery and an attempt to mislead and view it in a negative way.

Obviously, photos should be an accurate representation of your *current* self-not you 10 years ago or you photoshopped into oblivion.

I do a whole new set of photos every 7-8 months and frequently post selfies on my Twitter and my website: this keeps clients reassured that I look just the way pictured.

Video or animated GIF is a good idea: everyone knows that you cannot photo shop videos (well, technically you can, but no hooker is going to spend upwards of $20K to do it), so it lets potential clients see what you really look like and instills confidence.

I do not recommend using other people's photos in your ads/promos ever: these days there are plenty of software available (TinEye being one of many) to compare your images with everything on World Wide Web and if the results come back with the same photo under some model's name, it will not look good for you.

Marketing should be carefully thought through and tailored to your personality: this might take a bit of time to work out, but after a few months you should know what works and what doesn't.
Figure out what your target demographic is and aim for that slice of market pie. Don't worry about other segments: you can't be all things to all people-it's an exercise in futility.

If you want to participate on online industry forums or write a blog, determine your strategy. It is always good to be very clear in your message (consistency again).

My message, for instance is as follows: I support and promote respect for sex workers and women. I fight against abuse of WG and attempts to take advantage of them in any way. I try to educate clients about the ways in which they will get the best possible service for their money (treating WGs with respect is the key).

But there is no right or wrong way to do this, as there are clients out there for every type of WG (it's true, I promise) and once you found your market, you are golden.

Examples are numerous. You can market yourself as:

-Innocent, unassuming and sweet

-Shy and submissive
-Dominant and assertive
-Bitch (yes, there is a market for that, seriously)
-Silly giggling bimbo
-Well spoken and educated
-Sophisticated
-Dirty porn star

You get the idea: possibilities are endless.

However, attempting to pander to all and every client come across pathetic and while some like it, a lot of intelligent clients are actually offended by it-they assume the WG thinks they are stupid.

WGs who change their stance/message drastically in order to please clients are not doing any favors to their brand.
If you spoke (or written) passionately and with conviction on the subject, stay consistent. Don't take 180 degree turn just because you are afraid you might have offended someone. Truth is, no matter what you say online, someone somewhere is going end up offended for whatever reason.
People who like you and what you stand for will continue to like you and those who don't never will. Such as life.

This is not to say that one can't change their mind about certain things. As long as your core value message stays the same, it's OK to re-think some things, especially when new information comes to light or someone offers a different angle.

We are all human and we all make mistakes.

For instance, I have recently discovered that I was fed wrong information about someone. This was done over period of time and very convincingly.
I have since apologised in person-face-to-face (I asked for a meeting) and admitted that I was wrong. The person was very gracious and have accepted my apology (I would not blame him one bit if he told me to f...k off).
However, when I spoke on the issue before and as I stand now, my message hasn't changed: I was supporting WGs against bad-doers then and I am still doing it now. I am glad the person in question actually saw it and understood.

Continuity goes hand-in-hand with consistency: if you brand yourself as "elegant and sophisticated" on one site, it is unwise to go "slutty porn star" on another.
While most professional WG who know what they are doing done some sort of PSE with some clients in some bookings, that was because the mood took them both there. If you start advertising/promoting this type of service, you eventually will end up with clients seeking this only and will lose those who are put off by that sort of imagery.

However, if you excel in this type of performance and are willing to do this day in and day out, you will be in high demand by those who seek it, so go for it. Just remember that it is unlikely you'll be booked for a dinner/theater/upmarket corporate function event.

If you master consistency/continuity paradigm, you are guaranteed not only success, but also longevity in the industry,as often times people will go for "sure thing" simply because they don't want to gamble with their money, no matter how tempting a saucy looking "unknown" could be.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Mister Predatory Nice Guy

This is re-blog of someone else's writings https://fetlife.com/explore/#/users/3431470/posts/2676829
I felt it was well worth re-posting.

My first official scene was with a “nice guy.”
Seriously. He was a wonderful communicator. He wanted to get to know me. He wanted to know everything about me, my past experiences and what I wanted. What had gone right in my previous masochistic relations, and what had gone wrong because he didn’t want to repeat any mistakes. He wanted to know of any triggers and past abuse. He said it was very important that I felt comfortable and safe with him. We talked. And talked. And fucking talked some more. He talked through every single detail until I joked that he was going to suck nearly all the excitement out of the experience.
But that made him safe, didn’t it? His understanding. The fact that I considered him a “friend.” He was a nice guy. I felt comfortable with him because he wasn’t necessarily the greatest looking guy in the world. He was just an average, reasonable guy. We’d known each other for months. We talked about what our first time would entail and what it wouldn’t entail for two weeks. We met beforehand. All systems go. All the details were nailed down. There shouldn’t have been any surprises.
Only there were.
He didn’t follow the plan from the minute I walked in the door. Once I got to his place behind closed doors, what we had discussed down to the detail . . . well . . . it did not resemble reality.
He went further. He went much further.
It was my first time. I didn’t speak up during the scene. Because I wasn’t sure if what he was doing was wrong. Because he was being so nice when he was doing what I told him I didn’t want him to do, it didn’t necessarily feel like my consent was being violated. I couldn’t even say that I felt threatened. But the simple fact of the matter is that he went much further than we had previously discussed. The problem I was having with it was that he was nice and a friend, so I felt guilty telling him that he wasn’t being nice or a friend.
(And yes. I take responsibility. Before you jump my ass and say, "Well, you should have spoken up!" No shit, Sherlock. I was a first timer. Sue me. It fucking happens. A lot. Until you know better, you don’t. When you do, you don’t let that shit happen anymore.)
And the funny thing was that when I talked to him later about it . . . when it set in that he veered so far off course . . . when I told him that we wouldn’t be having any encore performances and why . . . he suddenly wasn’t so nice anymore. He said to me deadpan, “I gave you exactly what you needed.”
“Um. Excuse me?” I asked.
He repeated, “It could have been much worse. The situations you are going to put yourself in are dangerous for a woman. You will get hurt. You needed to understand what could happen if you were with someone much more dangerous than I am.”
Wow. Really?
And then he told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Something along the lines of: “Stop looking for this with other men. I’m what’s best for you. You will be safe.” Oh, and he also went on to tell me that we wouldn’t be doing things as rough as I liked. Cause that’s not what I really needed or wanted.
I won’t go into the details how the rest of that relationship went. I think you can fill in the blanks. But it involves me running away like the fucking wind.
Did this guy think he was predatory or dangerous? Hell no. He was genuinely surprised that I was upset. Despite acknowledging that he had, in fact, completely deviated from the plan we had decided on.
Then he got angry. Quite nasty, actually.
When I didn’t back down, only then did he get apologetic. Let’s face it: He wasn’t sorry he’d gone too far; he was sorry he got called on it.
But I learned an important lesson. The obvious douche bags are easy to spot. So are the obvious creepers . . . the predators. It’s that “oh-he's-soooo-nice!" guy that presents a different challenge. You gotta peel back some layers on that one.
If you know me at all on here, you know I write. A lot. I sometimes write things that make other people uncomfortable. I share uncomfortable truths and desires. Some of it is truth, some of it's truth-based, and some of it is complete fiction. Which is which? It’s a fuzzy line, and I’m not giving you any definitive answers. It's more fun for us that way. But that’s why I’m here: I like to write and read other people’s stuff. I am brutally honest about things that make other people uncomfortable. More than that, I'm brutally honest with myself. And I realize that with that kind of sharing opens a flood gate to the types of responses I receive. Most are positive and supportive. Some are not. I’m okay with that. I've got relatively thick skin. In the end, I write for me. And I'm not going to tell you what I think you think I should be feeling. That would be short changing us both.
But there’s another kind of attention I get. I get an awful lot of messages from “nice guys.”
You see, one might believe from my writings that I’m a wounded bird. Something that’s broken or needs to be fixed by that extra special guy. That guy that’s going to understand all my fucked-up-ed-ness and make it all better. Let’s face it, a girl like me doesn't really want to do all this fucked up shit, right? I just haven’t met that right guy that's gonna give me that peaceful, easy feeling . . .
Wrong.
Here’s some commonalities I see:
  • They overly ingratiate themselves to you. They give a lot of praise. They tell you you’re smart. They tell you you’re talented. They go on and on about your physical attractiveness.
  • They want to know everything about you. They try to and are extremely interested in getting you to open up to them about painful experiences.
  • They give a lot of advice. They want you to lean on them. They are all-knowing. They have so much wisdom they wish to impart on you.
  • They tell you constantly that you deserve to be treated well or better. They tell you how well they would treat you if you were theirs.
  • If they see that you are interacting with other men that they perceive to be competition for your attention, they warn you against them and tell you they fear for your well-being and safety.
  • Their attention makes you feel smothered. They want to be in contact all the time and know what you’re doing and thinking.
  • There will always be a sexual undertone. Though they may assure you that they just want to be your friend, they make it very clear that they are sexually attracted to you. So much so that it makes you uncomfortable.
  • They tell you they know what you need. And many times when you try to explain that it doesn’t match what you know you need and want--as a grown-ass woman that has been inhabiting your body for all your fucking life – they devalue your opinion because you’re, well, broken.
  • When you meet them in person, they encroach on your personal space. However, they’ll tell you that if you are uncomfortable to let them know. That they will respect your “no.” But when you do tell them you are not interested in them that way, they will continue to push you towards a physical relationship.
  • They are the first ones to jump in to provide a shoulder and comfort when or if they hear that you have had a bad experience with someone else. They will offer support, comfort, and advice. All the while, pushing their own sexual agenda.
  • When you try to implement boundaries or create distance with them, they tell you that you are pushing them away because you are afraid of a real and trust-based relationship with a “nice guy.” Again – you are a wounded bird, so you don’t have the stability to know what’s best for you: Them. Never mind that you’ve told them over and over again that you are not attracted to them.
I find these types equally disturbing as the “You’re hot. I want you to suck my cock” guys. If not more. At least the latter amuses me.
With that said, just so we are Crystal Fucking Clear:
  • Just because you’ve read my writing, does not mean you know me or have a deep understanding of me. What I wrote a month ago, a week ago, a day ago, or a minute ago, does not define me. I'm changing all the time. Shit, some of my stories happened 20 to 30 years ago. You are interacting with an online persona. The purpose of this profile is to serve as a place to share writing and to read others. Interacting with me online is not the same as interacting with me in real life. You’ve barely scratched the surface. You do not know me. And yes-- even if we've messaged a few times.
  • You do not have the slightest idea of what I need. I am not interested in your psychoanalysis of me. And for fuck’s sake, the quickest way to get your ass blocked is to tell me what YOU think I need. When it comes to my personal well-being, I don't take advice from random people on the internet whose main interest is to fuck me. Dude, you’re on a kink site for the purpose of getting laid. You’re the last person I’m going to open up and shoot my load off to. That's what my best friends are for.
  • If I am interested in you sexually, you will know it. Believe me. There will be no doubt in your mind. I am not subtle. A shrinking, shy violet, I am not.
Am I saying that nice men with good intentions don’t exist? Absolutely not. I’ve met plenty here that are genuinely fine people. I consider them friends and I love interacting with them. But they do not cross boundaries.

So, again. Repeat after me: I am not saying that nice men do not exist. I am not saying that just because someone gives you attention, is nice, or demonstrates some of the characteristics mentioned above that he is a predator. Seriously, Dude. Repeat this part to yourself over and over again before exerting the energy to type it in as a comment below. We know and feel your pain.

I even think that these predatory nice guys really do believe they have the best of intentions. But that’s where the danger lies: When you don’t believe what you are doing is making me uncomfortable or question me when I'm trying to establish boundaries with you, you are potentially dangerous to me.
If you make me uncomfortable/If you cross my boundaries/If I start getting the Ick factor from you, I will no longer be polite to you just because you’re nice. From here on out, I go with my gut. Not you.
*****
K&P Update:
A common theme coming in from the "nice guys" in the comments section: Am I this guy? Oh God. I don't want to be this guy!
My two cents: If you're worried that you've made someone uncomfortable and you find yourself concerned over their well being. . . I don't think you have anything to worry about. That's the stuff that the real nice guys ask themselves. I didn't mean to cause you nice guys any more anxiety; you're already so hard on yourselves as it is.
If you've done some of this in the past, you're recognizing it, and you're genuinely interested in looking into yourself, being aware and changing it, I think that's admirable.
None of us are perfect. I'm certainly not. I haven't approached every relationship in the most perfect way. We can only try to work on ourselves, eh?
I don't claim to know you or have all the answers.
If this post raises your hackles, and you feel yourself getting angry or defensive? You may want to ask yourself why.
– Girl_Named_Bill