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Saturday, May 10, 2014

Conversations with a penis




So the other day as I was doing my daily walk I came across a Penis. Yip, I did. I have a picture to prove it :)



Turns out Penis was promoting a play- “Conversations with my penis”, written and directed by Dean Hewison-playing at The Basement Theatre in Auckland this week.

To reward the Penis for his efforts I went to see the play tonight.
Let it not ever be said that I am biased or unfair: I saw “The Vagina Monologues”, so to even things out and to (hopefully) gain a fresh perspective and knowledge I went to see the penis play.

It was good. A story about a man (Tom in this case) and his most important appendage.

It touched on all the important milestones:

-First (successful) masturbation
-First sex with an actual girl-described by a Penis akin to “taking a bath”, which according to him is much preferable to a “quick shower”
-First time Penis did not perform when by all accounts he should have (and Tom threw a tantrum over it)
-First time Penis contracted Gonorrhea as a result of having sex with some random chick in a bar toilet while intoxicated (very visual, complete with green puss coming out of Penis’ head)
-Broken engagement and a loss of fiancée caused by Penis contracting Gonorrhea (described in great detail which makes author wonder of the playwright had first-hand experience. I mean a black pointy shoe kick in the nuts? That’s specific)
-Some weird...errmm...  experiments Penis and its owner got up to... with each other. Think self-love combined with contortionism involving sex act most man crave but not always receive.
-Testicular cancer and loss of one of the “twins”

And for the big finale it was great reconciliation of a Man and his Penis (chemically assisted) that culminated in... Yes, you’ve guessed it-great big spectacular ejaculation... That unfortunately landed in part on my lap.

Yes, I am not kidding (not even a little): of all the people in the audience the “jizz” found its way to the only sex industry worker present in the theatre :(

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Whatever happens, happens for the best



So very true that.
A couple of months ago a guy whom I was madly in love with in High school found me online. It was exciting.

Back in the days I was absolutely smitten with him for 3+ years. He, however, was indifferent at best. Although he didn’t take advantage of me (in fact, I was the one aggressively pursuing him), he did let me carry him through school without protest. I did a lot of his homework for him, let him copy my test answers, completed assignments, etc. 
Although he wasn’t the one to initiate any intimate acts, he didn’t resist when I showed initiative ;).

Our relationship ended abruptly when I asked him to “fake” marry me to avoid a marriage my mother was forcing me into and he flatly refused (that story is below)


We did have some brief communication a few times in the following 5 years but then completely lost touch. And suddenly there he was, after all these years. 
It brought back memories for sure. We’ve talked on the phone for almost an hour the first time and then some more a few days later. Then a couple of Skype sessions followed... 

Nope, there is no “fairy tale” coming up, so those of you who are romantics at heart might want to stop reading now :).

It very quickly emerged that he is exactly the same person I knew in High school. And I mean exactly. If you think about it for a minute, you realise it’s not such a good thing.

Although he was never interested in any sort of academia, one would expect a person to be interested in something as they mature.
Not my friend-he has never developed interests of any kind, it appears. 

He doesn’t read (and apparently haven’t throughout his life), so no discussion of literary interests or preferences could take place. This applies to magazine and newspaper articles as well as politics and major issues.
Due to the above, he has trouble communicating his thoughts in any sort of cohesive flow of any substantial length and is uncomfortable with writing anything longer than a couple of short sentences (so emails are out, obviously).

He still is kind and  honest person that he was, but freely admits that he is lazy, does not want to work study or get involved in any sort of hobby or activity. He is perfectly content to sit around his house all day doing nothing (he was able to retire very early after completing the bare required minimum of service years).
In short: we have nothing in common except our past and I can not relay to him on any level.

He actually hinted (not so subtly) that he wouldn’t mind taking on a role of a “kept man”...LOL..
That had me in stitches, as I haven’t informed him about my sexual preferences (I am a lesbian).

After first conversation filled with excitement of finding someone after so many years, I found talking to him tedious, as I had to do most of it, with him grunting out short responses to my open-ended questions. It took me several tries to get a time-line on his life after I’ve seen him last-not because he was secretive about it, but because he simply was unable (as in didn’t have a skill) to tell a story.
After three or four such conversations, I begged off any further communication citing time difference and work commitments.

As I think about the past, it is very clear that the way events unfolded was not such a bad thing, although at the time I was absolutely heartbroken.
Had him and I got together, nothing good would’ve came out of it. I would have most likely “carried” him through (and I had enough of that happening in my life as it was) until eventually we would resent each other and it would’ve ended in a bitter divorce. At least now we are on good terms.

I am a big believer in “whatever happens happens for the best”. We may not realise it at the time or it doesn’t manifest itself for a long time (sometimes months, sometimes years or even decades), but it all falls into place according to the Plan.

At this stage of my life I am happy and content, perfectly secure in who and what I am. 
These days I place my well-being above anything else. I deserve it, as the first part of my life (for a couple of decades) was far from easy and trials and tribulations seemed never ending. Now I finally have stability in all areas and I cruise through enjoying it. 
I try to surround myself with people who project the same positive energy. 

I now know that I am not a “relationship” person (some things you realise through trial and error :/). I quite literally wilt in relationships. 
I like to have my own space and my freedom. I don’t want to enter endless unavoidable compromises that relationships inevitably bring with them.

This does not mean I am selfish. I am giving and am always ready to help my friends. I am grateful and appreciative. I make a conscious effort to maintain friendships that are important to me. Yes, friendships require ongoing effort. 

As far as lovers are concerned, ideally I would like to have a couple of low maintenance lovers, but it is proving to be difficult: people say they like non-committed relationships, but then they want emotional involvement least they feel “used” and I would never lead someone on as I had been lead on in the past.

Usually when I first present my concept of low maintenance lover in the beginning, people think they stumbled upon a Holy Grail of ultimate NSA. I do not ask for any commitment, I don’t mind if they have other lovers, I am willing to adjust our meetings to the days/times when it suits both parties, I certainly don’t expect any financial support (in fact, I often pay for dinners/trips and buy nice presents for birthdays and Christmas) and I don’t make any long-term plans that invoke conversations such as “Where is this going” and “How do you see our future”.
All I ask for is occasional company of someone I can relay to on several levels (intellectual being the most important one).

But as time ticks by people realise that all these concepts I’ve presented are two-way street: I live my own life, go away on trips whenever I feel like it, I don’t ask advice for any decisions I make regarding my life, I spend my money as I see fit and I make long-term plans that do not involve my low maintenance lovers. All this combined make them feel “used” in a way: it’s as if I only want them when I feel the “urge”. Which is true in a way, but not exactly.

 I don’t associate with people I don’t care about. If I decided to share even small part of me with someone, it means I am willing to give back. I would certainly be there if something happened in their life and they need help or just want to talk. I just don’t want to pretend that relationship as such is something more than non-committed attachment to someone I am fond of. It may last for years or it may end in a few months. 
I also am very clear about the fact that monogamy is not on the table. Not because I have several lovers going at any given time, but because I don’t want any restrictions and awkwardness in case I meet someone I am interested in.
I stress that the same applies to others: if they meet someone and want to pursue them it’s fine by me! I would still expect to continue our relationship (for the lack of a better word) until they decide the arrangement doesn’t suit them anymore. And then I expect frank and honest conversation stating just that. Not part-truth and game-playing. 
God, I hate game playing: if we weren’t in any committed monogamous tangle to start with, what’s the problem with simply saying you want to move on?

But humans are complex beings. People don’t say exactly what they think or how they feel for many reasons-not necessarily to deceive. They don’t want to offend; they don’t want to look bad, they want to keep their options open in case of failure, etc, etc, etc.

Oh,well... That’s life. I will just continue on my quest ;)