Sunday, March 30, 2014

Empathy-did we lose the ability?

Empathy-dictionary defines it as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

 There was a thread going on one of the sex industry forum for a while revolving around rape.
Some of the replies from guys were shocking, to say the least.

They ranged from “It is a choice and one can always walk away” to “You (victim) should have been more vigilant/aware and could have prevented it” to (by now expected) “Did their (victims) dress/appearance/behaviour provoke it” to “I hope you reported it and followed up on it”.

One of the girls recounted historic rape-it happened few years ago. She was in her locked and bolted apartment, in the bathroom in her PJs brushing her teeth when her neighbour broke in through the window and bathroom door and raped her.
All she probably wanted was a little empathy. Along the lines of “I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope the son of a bitch burns in hell”. 
What she got was 15 pages of bullshit from the guys along the lines of “Well, were there any signs prior to the incident that he might do something like this”

Seriously??!! Are you people for real??

Each and every one of us shares our feelings and experiences first and foremost in hopes of others validating our feelings and showing a little support. It doesn’t cost anything and takes minimal effort.
It is the first response from any normal well-adjusted human being. 

No, it won’t take away the pain and bad memories from the victim, but it will make them feel better, even if only a fraction. It will make the person offering support feel better, too. Not self-righteous, but feeling good that they offered a bit of a shoulder to share the burden to someone.

This is especially applicable to situations from the long gone past, as clearly the teller of the story has dealt with it (in whatever way) and is not looking for advice on how it should have been handled (as none of us own a time machine). 

People tell us stories to get something off their chests and all they want is a little support.
Trying to look for reasons why something happened and offer suggestions on how it should have been handled (however well-intentioned) will inevitably be perceived as lack of sympathy for the victim and an attempt to blame her/him for the outcome.

My relationship with my mother was destroyed for all intents and purposes from the very early age because of lack of empathy on her part.
Every time I scraped my knee, got a cold or a flu, first thing I got from her was some yelling and berating me for not being careful, not watching where I was going, running around too much and sweating (hence getting cold) and not washing my hands enough (hence getting the flu).
Not once (I am dead serious) has she ever started with “Honey, I am sorry. Does it hurt? Let me do something to make it better”. 
Oh, she took care of me, but always managed to make it about her and not me-she blamed me for creating worry and stress to her with my mishaps/illnesses.

Whenever a teacher complained about something I’ve done (I was a straight A student, but often the issues had nothing to do with academic achievements)-be it a fight with a classmate or my defiant stand on some issue or another, my mother automatically and immediately took teacher’s side without ever wanting to hear my side of the story. She never stuck up for me.

I understand now it was her parenting method-the way to teach me to obey the rules, respect authority, conform and learn discipline.  Not necessarily a bad thing and in my grown up years I was glad to have learned discipline early on (and was much appreciated by my employers for that), but the way she went about it was wrong and our relationship has never recovered to this day.

Empathy and kindness are very important. They are what make us human.

There is a point in every discussion when anyone should realise that empathy is all that’s required-not proving your point.
The reason I say that is the guy who was pushing the whole “Victim can prevent rape/walk away from the situation” in that thread on sex forum was getting quite upset that people (girls mostly) was having a go at him. 
He kept saying that his words were taken out of the context, that he was just making general reasonable suggestions, that people didn’t know him personally and shouldn’t make judgement about his character based on those, etc, etc.

Well, I actually met that guy in person over a year ago. 
He expressed an interest in meeting me (along with several other forum members) on the open forum and I suggested that he contact me when he happened to be in my city. He did. 
This was not a booking, nor was it one of the paid “coffee dates” I offer-he made it very clear. He actually sent me a separate message after the arrangements for a meeting were already made and wanted “to be very clear that he was not making a booking”. In fact, he didn’t even pay for my coffee.
So there is no WG/client discretion clause here (not that I am about to disclose any secret or personal information), as no commercial situation took place.

Well, based on talking with him for 2 hours I can say that he is certainly not stupid. In fact, he is quite intelligent and eloquent. He holds a job that requires fair degree of assessment skills. He certainly knows right from wrong and understands basics of human interaction.

So... He most certainly knew (or could hazard an educated guess) that when a girl tells a story of a rape from several years back, the right response would be empathy (in one form or another).

Yet he chose (he likes to use the word choice and often claims we all have it in every situation, so I will throw it back at him) to proceed with comments that can be only construed as victim blaming.
Even when one of the girls pointed out to him in that many words that all is required is compassion, he shot back that he is not obliged to provide any on a forum to anyone. 

Well, that’s true: no one has to be compassionate. But the readiness with which we offer support and kindness is a telltale sign of our character in whole. 

Discussion is great, but there are times when it is not important to prove you’re right. It is much more important to be human.

Be kind. It’s contagious.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I am in love with abaya!

Abaya is a long flowing black dress worn over other clothes by females in most Muslim countries.

I just got back from UAE (I spent most of my time there in Dubai with a short day visit to Abu Dhabi).
I was blown away-in a good sense. The country was amazing! It deserves its own blog post, which I intend to write shortly.

But back to my newly found love-abaya.
Here’s a photo of Kim Kardashian wearing one (on her visit to Dubai).

I am not a big fan of Kim, TBH, but I chose this photo because I actually believe she didn’t wear it for publicity reasons. It doesn’t take long for a newcomer to Dubai to feel irresistible pull of abaya (as I found out myself) and obviously Kim was no exception.

Abayas come in all sorts of styles.
From plain ones to elaborately decorated.

 They could be somewhat tailored 

 or billowing

with opening in the front

or styled intricately

Originally abaya was meant to hide woman’s shape and flesh, but nowadays a lot of modern Arab women wear it as a statement supporting their heritage and country’s tradition.

I saw a beautiful woman in a mall wearing very well put together designer outfit: jeans, blouse, Louboutin shoes and Hermes bag. Over all that she wore abaya made out of sheer fabric with beautiful lace panels throughout sewn in at different angles. Her abaya was button-front and she wore it unbuttoned so one could see the whole outfit. The result was absolutely stunning!
This woman succeeded in putting together exceptionally sophisticated outfit and integrated her heritage into it in a way that was cohesive and made perfect sense.

A lot of women wear full face hijab (cover of the face and head so only eyes are visible)

many wear Sheila only (head covering that leaves face open)

the good article about various Middle eastern head coverings here and here
I saw several women who wore just abaya with no head cover at all.

I think in un-Orthodox ways, so when I first laid my eyes on abaya here’s what came to mind (I am sure every woman can relay to the following).

We all have those days when we just don’t feel like doing anything and lounging around the house in our comfy PJs or those really old sweats that one would never dream of wearing out, yet can’t bring oneself to throw away with hair in complete disarray and blotchy-looking skin.
Inevitably, at some point we find ourselves in need of cigarettes/snack/food/wine/whatever and dread the fact that we need to make ourselves presentable in order to run to a neighbourhood supermarket/dairy/take out joint.
This is made pain-free if one owns abaya: just throw it over whatever it is you’ve got on and voila-no one is the wiser. And if you live in Arab country, add full nijab and your hair and face is covered as well-no need to even run a comb over. Complete freedom!

In fact, on “lazy” days one can get away with putting minimal effort when going to work-just put your abaya over old jeans and T-shirt and you are ready! Very handy to those who often find themselves hitting the alarm too many times and then having no time to get dressed properly.

And just think about those "fat" days when you feel you look fat no matter what you put on. And those "special" says of the months when you really are bloated and nothing fits right.

A lot of women in executive positions find their male colleagues losing concentration during presentations and meetings as their eyes wonder over curves, cleavages, calves and skirts riding up.
Well, if the lady executive is dressed in abaya and sheila (head cover), man (and women) have nothing to distract them from what she is saying and the message sinks in much faster, hence boosting productivity levels.

I am sure all of us had those days when we just want to be invisible. It could be because we are going through something seriously upsetting in our personal life or just because we are plain tired and worn out. Yet we have to go about our daily business running errands that cannot be put off. Not to mention the times when we simply don’t want to be recognised and/or talk to anyone.
Well, abaya combined with nijab is just like invisibility cloak. It really is-I tried it and it worked! You become invisible and unrecognisable even to closest friends.

A friend asked me if anyone REALLY wears their comfy PJs under abaya in UAE. Well, honest answer is-quite possibly. Abayas worn by UAE women tend to sweep the floor with their hems, so if it doesn’t close up front (as this sometimes gives the glimpse of the clothes underneath) and is solid, no one really knows. 
I saw plenty abaya-clad women wearing flip-flops (jandals) on their feet, so it could all be very casual (Islam religion does not place any guidelines/restrictions on women’s footwear).

What I did catch a glimpse of under abayas were designer haute couture clothes and some very fancy shoes (Louboutins are a common occurrence) accompanied by Hermes, Prada and Louis Vuitton bags.
Most Arab ladies I saw shopped in designer stores. And shop they did-they would stroll through the malls leaden with bags from various brand-name labels (Chanel and Dior are especially popular followed closely by several others, just as famous).

These days, many haute couture designers produce sheilas (head scarves) with their logo on them: Givenchy and Hermes just to name a couple. Designer Sheila combined with bag and shoes from the same brand make a very cool outfit.

As you might have guessed, I have bought myself an abaya! I was very impressed, as I went into a local shop (where Muslim women go) and was treated with a great courtesy by the shopkeeper.
He was very patient, let me look through literally dozens (they were all so pretty and so different, I had really hard time choosing). Finally (after about 30 min) I narrowed it down to 3, tried all of them on and picked one. I wasn’t treated like a “stupid infidel woman”, not at all. The guy (shopkeeper) was genuinely helpful and gave me some really good advice. I wanted a full-face nijab as well, so he run to the next door shop and got one for me!
I am looking forward to wearing my abaya in New Zealand on occasion. I might even venture out in full—face nijab a couple of times-would be an interesting social experiment... Hehehehehe

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Punters who set WGs up because they don't like girl's opinions voiced on the forums

 Part II about hidden dangers of online forums (in sex industry especially).

People who don't like what you have to say will go out of their way in an attempt to silence you and ruin your reputation.

Last night there was an attack on Naru. 
Presumably, the client book an appointment, arrived and texted her, received no reply, called-no reply again and left after 5 min. He then received the text from her but refused to come up, saying he left already (all that in 5 min). He texted back saying he will post a negative review.

According to Naru he was actually late for his booking and she refused to see him.

The client proceeded to post a "review" (the reason for quotation marks is that he never did see the lady, so there is nothing to "review") which he titled "Bad experience with Naru-AVOID" (I draw your attention to "avoid" in capital letters, which is hardly warranted even IF his story was genuine).
He posted under brand new forum handle,claiming he has never participated in the forum before, but "read it a lot all the time"

Well, let's think about this, shall we?

Forum has a new rule that came into effect a few months ago: you can only view 50 POSTS (NOT pages) without signing up and then you must sign up in order to view more.

Well, that hardly gels with all the knowledge this particular client demonstrated: in his replies not only he expressed a knowledge of DND list, but stated that he read a LOT of reviews.

Also the fact that he threatened Naru with bad review on the forum in his text is very telling.

Personally, I think the whole deal was a set up. Whomever this guy is, he's been a member of the forum for a while. He obviously didn't like what Naru had to say, so made this booking in a attempt to poke holes in her service/damage her reputation.
Him suggesting that Naru should go on DND list is a neon sign for that: if the girl is on DND, she can't post on the forum and many girls go on DND when they get a bad review.

I am sure this dude was delighted when he realised he didn't even need to spend the money to achieve his goal.

I know Naru well and work with her often. I know her location. Although in CBD, it is actually very private,remote almost. No people walking by there. She also supplies the parking.
Normally any client with confirmed booking (for any girl) will wait longer than 5 min. This guy claimed there were some construction guys looking at him funny (?????). The question begs-why didn't you sit in your car and wait?
Also the wording of his post, where he said he wated to "give Naru a chance". Hmmmm... Naru has dozens (close to a hundred) superbly positive reviews. She certainly doesn't need anyone to "give her a chance"-people literally line up to get to see her.
I think the wording gives this guy's true intentions away.

I said it before: I've had guys (spies I call them) book me in order to try and find something negative about my service. What happened to Naru is the proof that I am not exaggerating.

Case in point.

Few weeks ago a guy called me at around 9:30am and requested a half-an-hour booking at 12 noon (please note that the time was his first choice-he named it).
I accepted.
He texted me at 11:55 saying he is running a "little late". He was actually late 15 min (for 30 min booking).

When he arrived (15 min late) he texted me saying that he had parked in front of my building in space clearly marked "Private" (meaning that was paid for assigned parking for one of the tenants) saying "Hope it's OK".
As he was already very late, I said "If you want". Besides, at that point I could care less that his car might get towed-it was his decision.

He then accepted a beer from me and went into shower which he took his time taking. 
While in the shower, he said he hoped it was OK to take his time. I said "No problem".
As we went straight into "business" (no massage), he obviously delayed his ejaculation so he could have sex for entire duration (about 25 min).

It was clear to me that this guy was quite deliberately creating one situation after another in hopes to get some sort of reaction out of me that can be later construed as "bad service":

-He was late half the length of the booking he had made (I could have declined to even allow him on the premises, creating the grounds for the review similar to the one Naru got last night). 

-He parked in the space that he knew damn well he shouldn't be parked at, again hoping for a *negative*  reaction

-All the above in hopes that I might announce that I will cut his booking short due to his tardiness-again, grounds for a negative review

-If I tried to defend myself by saying he would make me late for my next client, he would accuse me of booking people back-to-back-negative connotation again

-Deliberately taking a very long time in the shower-see above.

-Deliberately and openly delaying orgasm in hopes of me saying/acting in a negative fashion about it (he obviously didn't read my reviews well-if you wish to have sex for entire duration of the booking that you've paid for with me, I will most certainly deliver. You've paid for it, you will receive the goods)

The proof is in the pudding. Unfortunately  :Not_Impre

Punter/WG etiquette

This subject comes up often on various forums.

Here's some basic pointers.

Generally, first inquiry should be pretty basic, really:

"Hi, my name is Adam. I saw your ad on NZGs. I would like to make a booking for *insert desired booking length* on *insert day/date* sometime between *insert time frame applicable-i.e. "between 1pm and 4pm"*. Are you available?"

If the answer is "yes", then proceed with specific questions/requests you might have pertaining to the booking.

Having said that, IF (and only if) the prices or specific incall location is not listed in girl's ad, it is prudent to start with that before proceeding with anything else.

Asking for prices/description when those are clearly listed in the ad (and there are photos of WG) will flag a timewaster (whether you might be one or not).

Asking for the price after you've just made a confirmed booking flags you as well-most people, especially in NZ, are very price-conscious, so it sounds very, VERY suspicious that someone would commit to a booking without having a clue as to what the price is.

Asking open-ended questions like "So, what outfits have you got" will put you in the same category (time-waster). Let's face it: most people only have 1-4 fetishes (usually only about 2 on the average), so the right way to approach the issue is to ask specific questions, such as "I really like *insert fetish/ outfit/specific act. Can you do this for me?"

Make sure you state all your requests in advance (and make sure the girl is willing to deliver on those)-don't spring them on WG when the booking is in full swing. This might lead to disappointments. 

When booking a private WG (vs. agency/parlour) that lists her location as CBD (in any city of any country), do not assume/hope that there will be free parking provided. We all know what the parking is like in CBD-it's not a huge mystery. A private lady will not be able carry an extra paid carpark for the clients-it's cost prohibitive. Besides, most of city's rental carparks are underground and require remote control to enter.

Questions "Where do I park?" and "What about parking?" set my teeth on edge.
I picked location for my incall in CBD because most clients ask for it due to convenience (to them).  I could have saved substantial amount of money on rent by going to the suburbs. AND there would be plenty of free street parking there. But after questioning many, many clients, consensus is that overwhelming majority greatly prefer their WG in CBD.
Well, then. There you have it. Sort out your own parking. 
There are plenty of Wilson's carparks around CBD (and you can easily find one in advance by Googling the map location) OR you can choose to save $3 and park further out and walk to my incall (but allow extra time for that, so you are not late)-the choice is yours. I do not provide parking (and nor should I be expected to, not with the prices I charge and all that I provide inclusive of those).

It goes without saying that money should be paid upon arrival before clothes come off-it's the nature of our business.

I am not a shower Nazi (meaning I believe you when you say "I just had a shower"), but don't lie. It will affect booking in a negative way if I am overwhelmed by your *unpleasant* body odor.

If you like to engage in DATY, please do not have 1-4 days old stubble. This actually hurts and because the skin down there is literally just like a very thin tissue can cause breaking of the skin. Either shave before you come over or have facial hair of appropriate length to be called beard or mustache.

Communicate! I can't say it often enough. We are not mind readers. Trying to tug/pull/push us or any part of our body does not tell us anything. You need to actually say "I would like to *whatever it is you want*".
Also manhandling us and treating us like raggedy-Ann doll is very off-putting.
Doing things to us in hopes that it would be an indication that you want those done to you is an exercise in futility-again, we are not mind readers.

Politeness and general good attitude go a long way. Any person is more willing to do things for someone nice. Rude/demanding/belittling attitude will give you results directly opposite of what you are aiming at.

If you are chatting, exercise some perception: if the girl is clearly avoiding answering a particular question, don't press. Move on.
Different girls are different in what/how much they are willing/comfortable to discuss with a client, so just because you've had heart-to-heart all out conversation with one girl, doesn't mean the next one would be willing to do the same.

Don't overstay your welcome. Most private girls I know are fairly generous with their time, but staying 1.5 hour (or longer in some cases) when you've only paid for a hour is taking the piss.

Hope this helps  #devilish#