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Sunday, January 13, 2013

Case study

This post is going to be two-part: part one actual case study and issues related to it and part two a refresher in legalities.

As much as I don't want to feed into this person's triggers, as he actively seeks attention and interaction,  I think the time is ripe to address the issue.

This person (male) has joined www.adultforum.co.nz very shortly after it launched. He has made some valuable contributions (in form of well-versed,well-researched opinions, thoughts and questions) and some not so valuable ones as well (as we all do :).

In the last couple of years he has taken to actively attacking members (one at a time) whom have more or less high profile (both WGs and punters-he doesn't discriminate) on a regular basis.
He latches on to something (different issues for different people) and actively challenges his victim both in chat and in posts (lately mostly in chat), egging them on, clearly trying to stir shit (for the lack of a better word) for days (sometimes weeks) at a time.
Regardless of what sort of argument the victim puts forward, he doesn't listen, but rather responds with pretty much the same statement (often derogatory) he'd started out with (whether or not the premise is correct, and often it is not). There is no reasoning with him.
He usually logs on late in the evening and actively seeks his "victim de jour" out: if they are not actively in chat, he would scroll down to see if they are logged on (which is flawed strategy,by the way: forum admin sets "currently online" time as they wish. Meaning that if they set it for, say, "3 hours" or "1444 minutes" or whatever took their fancy, if you logged on at 6am and then logged off a few minutes later, you will still be coming up as "currently online" for the amount of time pre-set by admin) and then try to get them to respond.

I've seen this happen over and over again.

I actually don't think he is a bad guy. From various posts and online chat of his (also from the people who know him personally,as NZ is a small country and eventually one finds out that they know someone who knows someone..) I gathered that he is older, single (divorced/separated) and lives in a smaller town.
It seems that few unpleasant things happened in his life and to people he views as friends.
So he ended up projecting.

PROJECTION is when you use another person as a screen to run your movie on. You see your fantasy and miss the real person (and facts behind that person). You imagine you know this person's thoughts, when, in fact, you are thinking about your fears/insecurities/issues/baggage.

I can understand that this guy feels lonely at times and isolated. He feels bitter about the break-up of his relationship (he very often uses the same phrase: "Do as I say, not as I do,just like MY EX used to be"-so clearly there are serious issues of betrayal and abandonment). He wants to be a part of a group and craves active interaction.
Unfortunately, the only way he knows how to get active interaction with someone is through negative needling/prodding, because trying to insult/belittle someone is the surest way to get a response and start a dialog (albeit not a positive one).
He is clearly a product of "starvation economy", which is something often learned in childhood, when parents who are emotionally depleted or unavailable teach us that we must work hard to get our emotional needs met (in his case baiting others into a fight to get attention and interaction).

He also quite obviously have issues with women in general.
I am sure he has female friends, that's not what I am talking about.
His are more of "all women are lying, cheating, conniving bitches deep inside" kind. Basically, he doesn't trust women-ANY women.
When we apply unfair judgement to othes, it's called "horizontal hostility".

It is obvious that he is quite smart, as he figured out who the leaders of the forum are and makes sure to stay in their good books.

What he doesn't understand is no one "makes" you feel bitter or insecure- the person who makes you feel that way is you. You make a choice about how you feel.
OWN your own feelings, do not blame or control others, rather ASK FOR SUPPORT.

Despite the popular misconception, sex workers really are not all desperate drug addicts, debased women, or predatory gold diggers. Many healthy and happy women and men work in the sex industry, doing great work healing the wounds.
We (WGs) have a lot to teach you about communication, connection, ways to achieve growth and fulfillment.
Many client/WG relationships become a source of tremendous connection, warmth and affection for both parties, and last many years.
We offer you our knowledge of understanding and accepting.

Perhaps this guy should take a step back and re-access himself. Self-analyses is the great first step towards betterment and overall well-being.

I find reaction of the forum leaders quite interesting, as well.
They (the leaders) are actually great people: caring and compassionate, ready to help and support others. I know of a few people whom whom they've helped tremendously and continue to offer ongoing support...

However-
This guy has literally chased one of the prominent members off the forum through his constant bullying (because that's the proper term for what he is doing). That member was active and constructive contributor, a member of the industry, always ready with great advice, insights and support. Not any more-gone.
Forum leaders said nothing.
Yet, when another member threatened to leave (different story, different participants. He didn't leave, either), because he happened to be a close personal friend of one of the leaders, there was much discussion and finger pointing. Yet this second member had very little or nothing constructive to contribute, he does not actively participate in the industry (not as a client or provider) but instead had somewhat strange hobby that a lot of other members found disturbing.

I am NOT saying that one of those members was better than the other: they both have their place.
But I wonder how does one decide whom they are going to support wholeheartedly and vehemently and whom they will just dismiss, when one's role is a leader (which means all-encompassing) is clearly stated verbally and non-verbally.

The leader might say "Oh, I new nothing about it"... Could be.. But for someone who prides themselves in great communication via phone, PM, email, chat, etc, wouldn't it be plausible to flick the person a text/email and ask what prompted a sudden departure?
Isn't that what leaders who "care about their own" do?

I really am asking, as I do not have an answer-I would like to understand better.


Now for the second part- the legalities.
In recent years there have been many cases of on-line bullying, some of which ended tragically (death/suicide of a victim).
In view of this, laws have been changed and modified.

Here's some links:

http://www.netsafe.org.nz/

 http://www.cyberbullying.org.nz/downloads/teachers_cyberbullying_advice.pdf

 http://www.cyberbullying.org.nz/



 Here's the definition of cyberbullying:

 What is cyberbullying?
Cyberbullying is bullying. It's using the Internet, a mobile phone or other technology like a
digital camera to hurt somebody or embarrass them.

What does cyberbullying involve?
Bullying in 'cyberspace' covers the use of the Internet or other devices like mobile phones,
cameras or game consoles to do any of the following:
• Send anonymous texts or picture messages to a mobile phone
• Post nasty or threatening comments on the victim’s social networking profile on
popular websites like Bebo and Facebook
• Hack existing website accounts or create fake profiles for people they want to
intimidate or embarrass.
• Circulate photos or videos of people they are targeting – these can be real images or
digitally altered to cause offence or embarrass the victim.
• Scare or embarrass their victims and victims may feel upset or ashamed.
• Spread rumours or try to isolate others using this new technology.

How is cyberbullying different to other forms of bullying?
Cyberbullying is bullying. But where face‐to‐face bullying ended when the target got home
from school or work, cyberbullies can use the Internet or their mobile to continue attacks on
victims at any time of the day or night.
Young people are growing up with access to more and more technology, often using the
Internet and mobiles as the main way to reach friends. If threats continue outside of school
it may make the target feel like there’s no escape.
If messages are sent anonymously this can make the bullying feel more intimidating. And if
the bullying occurs online the harassment can be intensified, especially if public hate pages
or embarrassing videos are passed around the school community.



 Cyberbullying and the law
Cyberbullying can be a criminal offence under a range of different laws, including sections
249‐252 of the Crimes Act.


Due to the nature of sex industry, a lot of people can't or won't file complaints against cyber bullies, as it means disclosing their (victim's) true identity.
Well, some people are very open about their line of work AND they pay their taxes (which is equally as important) and they won't hesitate to bring their attackers to justice.
The law is very clear and if subpoenaed, site owners/moderators will have to surrender accused IP address (hence identifying him/her) to the authorities.
There is no hiding behind the computer screen any more.

And if the victim felt particularly vindictive, a civil law suit can be launched as well: the matter of lost earning due to inability to actively participate in the industry forum (the ONLY forum in this country,as it happens)....
And if several victims got together, it could turn into quite large law suit..
All it takes is time, money and a willing lawyer (and there is no shortage of those)...

This is just some food for thought.

I am a big believer in "You get back what you've put out into the Universe" concept.
I do believe in treating others the way I want to be treated myself.
We all should be kinder to each other and before long we will see a much better world around us.


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