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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Beginning of the End

As sad as it it, all relationships come to a point when they "run their course". It's just the way the cookie crumbles.
I've written on the subject before ("Monogamy vs.commitment")-I don't believe we're meant to be monogamous forever. Relationships are tricky,complicated and require a lot of work. And sometimes, no matter how much work we've put into them, it just doesn't pan out.
Unfortunately, realisation that "this is not working" does not come to both partners simaltaneously. And there lies the problem.
The reasons we fall "out of love" are many and not always easy to pinpoint. Sometimes it's something very particular, sometimes it's just a sense that one "lost that lovely feeling". It's not any one's fault and not always a third party is involved.
A lot of people, especially ones who's been in the relationship for a while, dread telling their partner and just pretend everything is "hunky dory" when quite the opposite is true.
Trouble is, no matter what, other party senses that something is wrong. That's how all those dreadful "we need to talk" conversations start-your partner is trying to get reassurance from you, to quell their insecurities.
The truth is, once you started on that road, you are "on your way out". You may not consciously think that...yet... You may not make any "escape" plans...yet... But you are walking away. And sooner or later, you will be out of that door never to be seen again (at least, not in the "lover/partner" capacity).
No amount of counselling or therapy will cure the situation. There is no point to look for reasons or try to rationalise as to why you're feeling that way, as often there is no rational reason. You're just "done" with that particular person, as far as intimacy,romance and commitment are concern. Yes, you might still care about them or even love them, but you are not IN LOVE with them anymore.
It's not always that you want to be with someone else-often there is not a "someone else" in sight-you just don't want to be with your partner anymore.
Last week a woman walked in the brothel I work at. That particular brothel has a sign in front inviting everyone and anyone to "come in for a free tour".
My ears perked-finally, a lady client! I was getting excited. The woman looked pretty average,kind of plain, actually, wearing loose unfashionable ill-fitting slacks and top, no make-up and frizzy hair arranged in a messy bun.
Receptionist asked how she could help and the woman asked for a tour. Trish (the receptionist) asked if the woman was planning to stay. Woman got somewhat agitated and said: "It says "a free tour" upfront, I want a tour".
So Trish obligingly took her around. I trailed behind, as my curiosity was peaked and I wanted to keep an eye on things,as situation was beginning to look somewhat dodgy.
Not even 20 sec into the tour the REAL reason for woman's visit became apparent: her husband has left her and she found out (I can only wonder how-spying and following him,perhaps) that he is a frequent client at the parlour. She also knew the names of the girls he sees (again, I wonder how that happened-did she go through his phone? If so, were the girls giving him their phone numbers?)
Woman said she wanted to see the place with her own eyes and TO BOOK the girls her husband's been seeing (neither one of those girls was on). She said she wanted to see what it was her husband felt he was missing with her.
Trish and I talked her out of booking the girls-it would do absolutely no good and achieve no purpose except for making everyone uncomfortable and the woman even more insecure. We tried to explain to her that girls don't want her husband-they want his money and to get it, they are selling him A FANTASY.
But even more important point (which we didn't bring up) is that her husband didn't leave her because he started going to the parlour. Obviously, we would never know what the reasons were, but he no longer wanted to be with his wife.
No amount of make-up or sexy lingerie would rectify that. Yes, it could spice things up in the bedroom for a while (maybe), but, ultimately, the relationship has run it's course.
I've been in the situation myself: before I finally left my last husband, I was "on my way out" for about 10 months. He told my later that he sensed it and had a feeling I was going to leave, but was too afraid to bring it up, because he thought it would make me leave even sooner. I honestly wish he'd confronted me-it would make things simpler and would save him months of uncertainty and heartache.
I am trying to look back at it and remember what exactly went through my head and all I can come up with is the fact that I simply didn't want to be with him any more. Yes, I could rationalise a lot of reasons WHY, but the bottom line is that I've been with other people who had the same flaws as my ex-husband, but I overlooked them,because I WANTED to be with them. No one is perfect, everyone is flawed, yet we stay with people and love them regardless. We put up with their idiosyncrasies and annoying traits... Until we fall out of love with them-and then the bickering and pointing of the fingers starts.
So many people make the mistake of thinking that "it all could be worked out". They feel that all they need to do is to point out to their partner what exactly is causing the way they feel, how irrational it is,etc. They dilute themselves and prolong their agony. The person will listen, maybe stay for a while longer, but, ultimately, they will be gone. it's just the matter of time.
Yes, there are cases (very few and far in between,a whole lot less than what most people imagine) when the person is mistaken in thinking that relationship is over and the love is gone. Usually, there are serious circumstances involved. The best course of action, in my opinion, is to let them go. Yes, just cut any and all contact. No, don't be "just friends", no you don't need to follow them on Twitter and Facebook. Just cut them off completely.
Yes, it is very scary if you're still in love with them-there is a very good chance (more than 50%) you'll never see them again. However, if they do still love you and truly want to be with you, they WILL be back. And it will be on YOUR terms. It does happen.
Prince William and Kate Middleton is a very good example.
As most of you know, they broke up about a year and half before he proposed. Or, rather, he left her. He was gone from her life completely for 3 months. She was smart enough not go crazy with partying, etc and not try to contact him. She really did think they were through.
And then he realised he cannot be without her. He needed her and wanted her in his life. When he came back, he didn't come bearing an engagement ring, either. He just told her that she was the one he wants to be with. And she didn't make a fuss-just took him back. Obviously, she felt the same.
Looking at them now, it is apparent that they truly complement each other and are a well-matched couple. Their relationship stood the test of time.
However, this is an exception rather than the rule.
A friend of mine has been going through a yo-yo situation for a while now. Her boyfriend is clearly "on his way out" (clear to everyone, but her), yet every time he breaks up with her, she says to him things like "I don't accept it", "You only feel this way because you're under stress", "You say this because you're an unhappy person, so you're projecting this onto our relationship"... The list is endless,as she's been in therapy for years and knows a lot (and I mean A LOT) of various gimmick phrases. Although she manages to keep him around, neither one of them is happy: him thinking that he's being forced into something he doesn't want to do and her in constant fear of him leaving. To me it doesn't make any sense: both of them are wasting valuable time (as life IS short) that would've been spent more wisely  finding someone else or nurturing yourself (even more important).

When someone want to leave, let them go,set them free. Yes, it is incredibly painful sometimes-one study in the Journal of Neurophysiology found merely thinking of your departed lover (partner) activates the parts of our brain associated with craving, addiction,pain and distress. Our neural responses actually mirror those of a drug addicts in withdrawal, so it's no wonder you feel so crap. But,speaking from experience, time does heal all. With time it will get better. And you just might discover all the things you weren't able to while you were with your partner-sometimes, much better things :)))

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