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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Good intentions (motivations behind people's actions)

Yip, the old adage is true: road to hell is,indeed,paved with good intentions.
Often times we sincerely set out to do a good thing and it turns sour... Or our intentions are misunderstood... Or we don't want to admit to ourselves that there was a hidden agenda deep inside the deed that on the surface seemed noble
Human beings are very complex creatures-remember Shrek and his "onion" theory? Well, I agree: we are all like onions: there are layers upon layers in all of us: some good, some bad,some thin and some quite thick..
Our motivations are often unclear to ourselves, yet alone to others.
For instance, when you contact a working girl (unsolicited) and offer information regarding one of the other working girls that was passed on to you by said WL's EX-employer-what is your motivation? Do you genuinely want to warn the girl because you don't want her to get in harm's way? Or do you want to make a good impression on her and get into her confidence, so she'd share some other industry insider tidbits with you? Or do you simply hope she'll give you "extra special" service with extras next time you see her professionally in gratitude? Or is it a little bit of all of the above?

Truth is, we want to look good and we want others to like us-it's human nature. Someone I once knew said "I like to be liked and hate to be hated"-that's pretty much it in a nutshell and holds true for all of us, whether or not we admit it to ourselves. We seek approval of our peers-it's in our genetic make-up.
Trouble is, sometimes we go in a round-about way in order to get it.
So when someone takes a high moral ground on an issue, do they do it purely because they feel really strongly about it or maybe just a little because they want to "look good" to others, because it's the fastest way to gain approval and admiration?
Personally, I no longer "ride the high horse" about anything, as I am well aware of my own shortcomings and I know all too well that once you start talking "high and mighty", people automatically want to take closer look at you and start searching for flaws,as it is a "knee-jerk" reflex: "you are not so pure yourself" reaction. And let's face it: none of us are without a fault (well, unless you're Mother Theresa... and she is dead..). But I've learned this lesson as part of my life's experience and it took me quite some time. It was a different story when I was younger: I was absolutely convinced that at least certain things are black and white and there is nothing in between....
Now I know life is, by far, not that simple.

Often times we want to be perceived as leaders, forward-thinking and knowing the "right" path for everyone.
We want people to look up to us.
So when an "independent"  WL suggests to the one working in a parlour that she should do the same (start working independently) and even offers to help her out with advice and maybe some client recommendations, what is her real motive?
Does she truly believes that the other girl would be much better off and just wants her to "see the light"? Or does she crave respect and gratitude? Or is she trying to get back at the parlour owner who didn't give her enough credit and wants to prove to her that she is, in fact, mature,capable and able to lead others?
And what about the other girl? Does she feel offended because someone thinks that she doesn't know what's best for her? Or did she think about it before and realised that,for whatever reason, she won't be able to do it and now is just annoyed that someone thinks she is not smart enough to think for herself? Or is she afraid of possible negative implications from her employer and just doesn't want to admit it? Or does she truly like the situation she is in and is really comfortable with the way things are?

I found out long time ago that when someone doesn't like you, it's not likely to abate. Whatever the reason (sometimes people can't even state clearly why exactly they dislike someone-it's absolutely irrational), no matter what you say or do, they will remain entrenched in their opinion. In fact, the harder you try to prove yourself, the more animosity (and annoyance)  you create.
A lot of people like me... A lot hate my guts.. More still can care less about me altogether.. That's life.
I just go with the flow: nothing I say or do will change that. In fact, I am like that myself: for example, there is a girl I absolutely cannot stand for personal reasons (to a point where I avoid working in a parlour where she is employed,despite of the fact that I really like the establishment and everyone else who works there), but objectively speaking, she is probably OK. I am not likely to change my opinion of her, no matter what.
Often times people try to pass their opinion on to others (consciously AND subconsciously). So when someone contacts a working girl and passes some information regarding her new mentor's checkered past, what is their motivation? Do they genuinely just want to warn the girl and keep her out of the harm's way? Or do they want to pass on their own personal dislike for said mentor and maybe sway the girl into their way of thinking? Do they even know what the true motivation is themselves?

The problem with passing of any kind of information is that it's not likely to end with the person you've passed it on to. That's another lesson I've learned long time ago.
No matter how much you say "Don't tell anyone", people will-again, it's just the human nature. Even people who condemn gossiping, do, in fact, pass various information to others. They don't think it's gossiping because it's "true" or they did it for noble reasons, or it was "absolutely necessary", but it is what it is, no matter what the reason.
Information is valuable. It has been since time immemorial. Thrones and kingdoms were lost and gained through learning and passing of the Intel. In fact, espionage is, in my opinion, one of the corner stones of makings of the history :)
People pass information for different reasons: sometimes purely for gain, sometimes in exchange for leniency, sometimes for leverage, sometimes because we genuinely like the person talked about and want to warn them,sometimes to get ourselves out of the "dog house",sometimes because we want to know more or just want to verify the facts-the reasons are so many.
One would think that every time we pass information, we are aware of consequences,surely?? You'd think so, but no, not always the case.
So when you get a feedback (or a backlash,as case might be), as a result of your information passing, do you get angry at the person you passed it on (especially when you didn't specify that it was "for their ears only)? Do you not blame yourself first and foremost (especially when you offered said information unsolicited)?
I am guilty of this myself. When I was younger, I've lost a friendship that was was quite dear to me because of passing of the information. I didn't do it maliciously, but through some really weird and round-about channels ( which I couldn't even imagine in a million years) it affected my friend and she knew I was the one who said things. I've lost that friend forever. I have no one to blame but myself.

We have  to do what we have to do everyday to survive. It's easy to be virtuous when you live by yourself in a far away castle and have unlimited wealth..LOL.. The rest of us, mere mortals need to put bread (and butter and caviar) on the table. In order to do this successfully, we need to co-exist with our co-workers and bosses and clients. And, yes, we often need to massage their ego and "go with the flow"-it's just the way the cookie crumbles.
Often things are complicated and not at all black and white and we are forced to divide our loyalties and choose between  friends and colleagues/employers. Inevitably,we do what we think is the best thing for us,as we have to maintain the roof over our heads and often other people are dependent on us (such as our kids, elderly parents,partners,etc).  So can we honestly judge someone who took a public stand against someone who helped them in the past in order to get "brownie points" from their current employer? Do we really know what goes  through their mind? They might feel torn, they might even try to make it up to a person in private, yet others will never know, will they?
Happened to me before: I took a stand in support of my now ex-girlfriend against our mutual employer, although I didn't necessarily agree with ALL points of her position and didn't think she handled the situation exactly right. But she was my girlfriend, I loved her deeply and did everything I could to support her. I actually went as far as contacting local newspapers! Do I regret it? No, not at all-I did what I had to do for the loved one. Would I maintain the same position now? No, because we no longer together and she probably has someone else to massage her ego :) and I can be objective.
That's the nature of life: it is fluid-nothing is carved in stone. We entitled to change out minds and it's perfectly fine. Some days we feel differently about certain things than others-it depends on our mood,personal circumstances,etc. And it's OK.

We get quite involved in things that we do on a daily basis: our jobs, our hobbies-because we spend so much time engaged in those. We participate in related blogs, forums, discussions. We passionately defend out point of view and curiously explore unknown aspects. Often we attend relevant conventions even. It's called "networking" and it helps us advance in our chosen fields, gain recognition and often reap monetary rewards.All of it is very important to us. It seems like it'd stay that way forever. But it doesn't. When we switch jobs/fields/countries other things become relevant and important and they replace the ones from before.
It is very natural-we can only concentrate on so many things at one time and there are only so many hours in the day.
It doesn't mean that we were falsely representing ourselves in that other field before-it just means that we've moved on and are now focusing our energies on new projects.
With time, others replace us and the cycle continues.
It's the same in sex industry. Some girls gain quite high profile and increase their earnings as a result. It seems like they'll stay that way forever ( good examples are porn stars..LOL..). But when they're gone, others take their place quite fast and the old ones become a distant memory..
Some girls want to erase all traces of their past when they're done with escorting. Although quite impossible  to obliterate everything completely in this day and age of modern technology, it is doable. In fact, new,"reputation repair" companies sprouted recently: a lot of corporate companies and individuals as well as celebrities, use them. What they do, in a nutshell, is for a substantial amount of money, they "pollute" Internet with blog entries,articles,etc about said company/individual, thus "burying" negative posts on pages 5,6 or further on the search engines, making it "invisible" for all intents and purposes,as we all have short attention span these days and who wants to "root" through 5 pages and look through every single post...
At the end of the day, it's just another hooker in a sea of many thousands disappearing into oblivion, to be replaced by thousands more. It's not like she found the cure for cancer or a way to resolve world's economic crisis and then deleted all her findings...LOL..
I guess, sometimes people get really wrapped up in something they enjoy and they forget that in the big scheme of things whatever they're so involved in might be quite insignificant.
We've got to remember not to loose sight of what's truly important: people we love and care about. Life is short and tomorrow may never come. I have a friend who went to bed feeling great and woke up with failed kidney (true story). Do you think he thought about punting and hookers (working or retired) just then? I think not. Same when my Dad woke up one morning and realised that he couldn't move OR speak (he had a stroke).... Think about it....

Sometimes certain things really ruffle our feathers.. We feel very strongly and passionately about those. Sometimes people "rub us the wrong way" or touch the nerve... It's perfectly OK to speak up, to fight back, to express our opinions. In fact, more people should,as honesty really is the best policy. But in doing so we should be careful not to cross the line into nastiness, we should remember that decency and civility are values,too and ppoisonous language doesn't advance our cause.