Thursday, May 12, 2011

Husband #4 (and the last one,for sure)

The reason I'm jumping straight to number 4 is that I FINALLY was able to file for divorce from him last week!
New Zealand requires 2 years (!!!!) of separation before you could file for divorce-even if you have no children, no property, nothing to share and are both perfectly willing to part ways. It really is preposterous, but this IS the country I wanted to live in, so I have to take good with the bad.
While filing the paperwork and answering mandatory questions, I did some calculations and came to the stark realization that I've been with this man for 16 years! I seriously had to calculate again, 3 different ways to make sure. This is, by far, the longest relationship/entanglement I've been in. It's almost half of my life-and I wasted it on some guy! I am not very happy with myself at the moment, but we all know that our past is just that: our past and there is not a damn thing we can do about it now.
I met C (my soon-to-be ex) in Las Vegas when I was 27 (he was 43). I was working as a stripper in a really small,out-of-the-way club,had a "day" job as a waitress in Tropicana casino and was turning an occasional "trick" when opportunity presented itself.
He came to the club and bought a couple of lap dances from me. We started talking and I asked what he did for a living. He was very cagey,just said "retail management".
 Soon it was my turn to go on stage, but when I was done, C was waiting for me and  handed me his business card. Card listed the name of the very prominent jewellery store, family owned and C as a Senior Vice President-his last name was the same as the store name!
 I was blown away-it was well-known Mormon family that owned the store and C was one of them! He asked me to stop by but to be discreet.
I did like him-there was definitely some chemistry between us and decided then and there that I would definitely go check it out.
At the time I had a live-in boyfriend, but we were never really serious and it was agreed from the very start that neither one of us had any intention of getting married. Besides, I owned the house we lived in and paid all the bills (story of my life,really-I AM honestly working on changing my ways), so I didn't feel any guilt.
I looked through all my jewellery and found a piece that needed fixing. I dressed appropriately: short skirt and low-cut top: nicely displaying my assets, but tastefully so :).
I went to the store and C and I ended up chatting for about half an hour. He  asked me out for lunch (very quietly and discreetly).
When we met for lunch, a week later, he told me that he is married and that he is, in fact, an active member of Mormon church. He said that he finds himself wanting something, but he won't have sex outside of marriage-he said he's interested in BDSM.
I am not a stranger to THAT game-I've done some dominatrix gigs and told him that I would be willing to accommodate him. Truth was, I was starting to really like him and just wanted to see him again.
He called me a few days later and asked if I could come by the store after closing-when everyone has gone home. I was quite excited about the prospect. But later he chickened out and cancelled: said he just felt too bad about doing it and couldn't go through with it.
I was not about to leave it at that. I called him at the store and just chatted for a while.. About nothing,really. He called me again in a couple of days and said that he booked a hotel room and wants to see me.
This time he did show up, but was really nervous and asked if we could just sit and talk for a while. Well, could we ever: I am a Gemini (and we are known to talk people's ears off) and a shrink to boot!
It didn't take me long to get the truth out of him: he was extremely unhappy in his marriage: hardly any sex at all and very cold at that, no passion or love or any warmth left in the relationship (and never really been to begin with), couldn't even talk to his wife about anything and they were completely on different pages (hell, not only they weren't in the same ballpark,they were playing different stadiums). He said he had never,ever had sex with any woman other than his wife (over the years I found  that to be true)
Eventually, he said he wanted just hugs and kisses and some warmth. We did that.. For a while.. That lead to a blow job, which he stopped midway, because he was overwhelmed with guilt.
He left shortly after.
To be completely honest, I now viewed him as a challenge. Yes, I really liked him, but I also made it my mission to "crack" him. It was a formidable challenge: active devoted member of the Mormon church, married, 4 kids, member of a very prominent family and quite a few organisations and charity boards: a lot of people knew him and he would run into someone he knew almost everywhere he went.
In retrospect, I think I was so keen because I subconsciously went for unavailable men- I never wanted it to become "real" committed relationship that lead to marriage, but back then it seemed very real to me. Hindsight is always 20/20. If only I knew then what I know now....
I planned the big seduction scene: got a penthouse suite at the Treasure Island Hotel, hired a limo. I instructed the limo driver to go to the store and ask to speak to C. He was to tell him that the Mayor is in the suite at Treasure Island and she (yes, Mayor of  Vegas was a "she" at the time) needs a discreet appraisal.
 None of it was very far-fetched,as a matter of fact. Things like that went on in Las Vegas all the time and C's store was the oldest and most trusted- it was the first and only jewellery store when they opened in 1939 back when Las Vegas was mostly just a big train station.
Driver was to give C the key (you couldn't get to penthouse floor without the room key).
C did as he was told. I was waiting for him in black over-the-knee high-heel boots and a little black dress. He was surprised, but not overly so-he did suspect something.
I sat him on the couch and sat myself on the coffee table in front of him. I put my feet (still in boots) on either side of him. I pulled him close by his tie and told him that I was in charge.
I've done this enough times to know when people let go or "surrender" to lust: their irises "melt". It's hard to explain: you need to experience it to know what I mean.
 C was gone: I knew I would have my way with him.
And I did. It was over very quick and sex was not good at all, but it gave me a great degree of satisfaction: I "cracked" him!
I did fall in love with him,though. I think I thought I wanted him because I couldn't have him.
We started an affair. It was not easy. I would wait for him in the car after work (he locked up the store at 6:30pm) or he would meet me during lunch time: lots of BJs in the car...LOL..
We also went on out-of-town trips sometimes (when he could find an excuse).
Every few weeks or months he would call me up and end it-tell me he can't handle the guilt, can't do this to his family,can't do this to me...
But then a week or so would pass and I would call or he would... Or I'll wait for him after work.. Or he'd pretend he needs to stay at the store after hours, full well knowing that I will be driving by on my way home and see him there alone and come in...
One time after one such "break-up" I waited for him in the parking lot in my car. He locked the store,saw me and got in his car. I followed. He pulled into the drive-through of some fast food restaurant-there was a line. I got out of my car and came over to his car's window. We ended up passionately kissing right then and there-until the cars behind us started honking!
Another time we "broke up" I planned another "scene". I booked a room in Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York City and bought 2 first-class plane tickets (for C and I). I had a lawyer friend of mine create a real subpoena (don't ask-I was VERY resourceful..LOL) claiming that C is needed as a witness for a deposition on a jewellery fraud case in NY and the trip is all-expense paid by the defence.
I had yet another male friend of mine (it's amazing what men would do for a little action-I only wish women were that easy) to actually go to the store and "serve" C the subpoena.
This plan didn't work: I miscalculated,as I planned for 3-day weekend and weekend was a REALLY big deal for a Mormon family. Plus, it was a rough time for the store which was family owned and he would have to tell the family and they would want to know the details,etc.
He called me, quite upset, and told me that it was a "silly stunt" and he wasn't going.
I ended up going on my own. As I've already booked a working lady with BDSM tendencies for us and, being a working girl myself, didn't want HER to be out of $$$, I went through with the booking.
It really is a subject for a whole different entry, but that was the girl who, for the first time, taught me how to "let go" and who pushed my boundaries beyond any limits I thought I had. She made me tell her my deepest secrets and fantasies (which, by the way, I was never able to tell anyone else since) and she did to me something I call "getting someone out".  It means that, as you're having sex, you become aware that some time (usually between 30 seconds and a couple of minutes) has lapsed since your last "conscious" moment, the moment you remember  and the present moment. You "lost" some time, yet you weren't unconscious-you were "out". It involves completely surrendering any and all control-something that's usually next to impossible for me.
 Only one other person was able to do this to me since-and only twice.
 Unfortunately, if this happens with your partner,there are consequences: when you are in that state of "out" you say things that, although certainly true at the moment, cannot be superimposed into real,everyday life. You give the other person complete control and power over you. It's a very strong "head rush" for them. It takes a certain degree of maturity to separate "real" from "fantasy". If they try to take this into real life, it causes huge problems. In my case, I am a very independent and strong-willed person and no one ever has control over me in real life. I am always in charge. So when a partner is able to "get me out" it confuses them-they think they have control: from now on and forever, when it's not the case at all. It causes fights and, with my ex, it was one of the things that broke down the relationship.
At any rate, the trip to NY did not go wasted :)
My relationship with C went on like that for years. I dated someone else briefly, but that was definitely a no-go (but a lot of fun,as that guy was a wealthy Englishman and I got a fabulous England/France holiday out of it).
I got to know C's family: it started with me chatting with his father at the store,as I was a "regular customer" and the I was introduced to his mother and,eventually invited to a family dinner (C had 4 brothers and 1 sister, all married with several kids each, so it was a big family). I started calling C's father "grandpa".
I think C's father thought I was this lonely little woman and Mormons tend to "take people under their wing". I genuinely liked "grandpa"-he was nice and funny.
When C's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's desease and had to be put in a special facility,as she could no longer look after herself, I visited her often, did her nails, chatted with her on "clear" days, when she could remember who I was.
When she died, "grandpa" was depressed and very lonely, so I took him out to dinner at least once a week and would stop by the store to chat with him.
Before long all Cs brothers and sisters viewed me as a "family friend". I was invited to their houses for holiday dinners and they all even came over my house once. I was involved in their lives: weddings of their children,birthdays.Yes, C's wife was present at all those functions. At one point, when C's youngest daughter was getting married, I was at their house (C's and his wife's), doing wife's and daughters' nails.. I still have photos from that wedding: myself and the wife, myself,C and his wife...
Yes, I am well aware that I am twisted and perverted..LOL..
When the whole family went on a holiday to Australia and I met them there and spent a week with them all (including C's wife)!  I absolutely loved the power of sitting with them all at the dinner table, them being devoted Mormons and righteous people and me, C's mistress!
As I've said before: my mind is a dark place and even I sometimes am afraid to look deep into it.
Things were not going good with the store and more than once I've given C money to help him out (as much as $7K and $10K at a time).
When the family sold the store and C couldn't get a job, he decided to open his own shop. I went to work for him for free (while continuing stripping and turning "tricks" to make a living) and again supported him emotionally and financially.
After just a year it was clear that the business would not survive.
One day C called me: he said he was on his way home to tell his wife all about us and ask for divorce. All I could think was "NOOOOO!!!" I told him to slow down and think about it, but there was no stopping him.
 He was going just to walk away from the store: he owed 3 month's rent and had a lot of other bills and absolutely no money to pay them. He didn't want his wife to "be a part of it" and "suffer",as she was "the mother of his children" and, according to their religion, he was supposed to provide for her (wife quit school when she married him and never worked,even when kids were older-she just stayed at home staring out of the window most of the day).
Because their house was part of the personal guarantee for the business loan, C had his father borrow another $300K ("grandpa" already gave him $400K to start the business) to bail the house out. All that money came from C's family trust, which was meant to be every one's inheritance. It is now depleted and C's father and family severed all the ties with him-they are all very bitter.
C and his wife had substantial equity in the house and real estate market,although declining, was still pretty strong in Las Vegas.
Wife went absolutely berserk! The language she used: and such proper Mormon woman,too..LOL..
She demanded a quick divorce and wanted majority of the assets. Well, C, being ridden with guilt, wanted to give her absolutely everything-he told me he wants to salvage the relationship with his kids by providing for their mother.
So she walked away with roughly $220K cash and debt-free (she made sure she drove away in a car that was paid for and left him with the truck that had a loan on it) and he came to me with just clothes on his back and over $700K debt.
C was excommunicated from his Church and went on to live in his trailer at his brother's back yard: although I owned a huge 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house, he didn't want to move in with me and "live in sin"-because of his kids. I know, funny...
He had no job, so I've asked a friend of mine to give him a job in his mortgage company. C knew nothing about mortgage business, but it was a very good friend (ex-client) who liked and respected me and he was willing to give him a chance-he even put him on a salary for the first 3 months (mortgage is commission strictly business,normally).
I've paid some of C's debts that absolutely had to be paid: taxes,etc. The rest he filed the bankruptcy for.
His kids,who originally didn't even want to talk to him,thawed out.
 I remember going to Utah for 3 days and building out (just C and I-I can be handy when I try :)) unfinished room in  his daughter's house. They were young (daughter and her husband)and had no money and 2 little kids and I thought it would be kind of fun: we brought all the supplies with us and framed,dry-walled,finished and painted the whole thing! It increased the property value by $8K.
After another year C wanted to "make an honest woman" out of me. He staged this "surprise" engagement party. I must say: I LOVE surprises. I absolutely melt when someone I like turns up unexpectedly or sends me flowers or does something spontaneous like that.
C did make a good effort with the party: it was my birthday and he booked a private room in my favorite restaurant and invited my close friends (even those from out of state). He wasn't careful enough,though, and I knew it was coming. But I pretended to be surprised. It WAS nice.
Problem was, after so many years, he simply worn me out. I was tired of struggles and his forever going back and forth.  Sex was never any good and by now it became a chore (the one I didn't enjoy in the slightest). But I said "yes". We got married.
Honeymoon was a bit of a disaster. I thought I would really give it a chance and told C EXACTLY what I would like in bed and how to do it. He would start, but could never seem to do as I asked. It never happened.
Few months went by and I knew that things in US are going to shit. So I went to NZ for a month to investigate my options. I've been coming to NZ since 2001 and always had the notion that I might want to live here one day.
The only available option was through Skill Shortage List. And it had "chef" in it.
C always told me he wanted to be a chef. He did cook some large family dinners, but he wasn't trained, qualified or capable, really.
I paid $1700 for him to go to cooking school in Las Vegas. He was able to go for only 2 months,as it was time for him to come to NZ-I've secured a job in a cafe in Napier for him and went back to US to sell my business and all the furniture from the house,organise the shipment of the motorcycle I gave C for his birthday a year before and rent out my house. There were some other things to take care of as well. As always, I was the one to tie the loose ends.
In the meantime, C lost his job at that cafe (like I said, not capable), but was able to get another one. By the time I got to NZ 3 months later, he managed to spend most of $10K I gave him-he was quite good at spending money.
In order to comply with immigration requirements, I paid $4000 for "on the job assessment" that was done by this chef out of Hawkes Bay, who does this kind of thing on a regular basis and thus is trusted by immigration, so going through him is a sure thing.
That assessment was really nothing: C had to take some tests at home, where he could use a computer to look up the answers and was filmed doing some chopping in the kitchen. That's all. And just like that he had level 4 NZQA Chef qualification! I also hired  immigration consultants to guide us through THAT maze (another $3000).
8 months later I had what I wanted: NZ permanent residency. Total cost: $12K. Money does buy you pretty much everything :/
I kept pushing C, hoping that he would strive to get better. He did listen and as he got jobs at better restaurants (at my urging), he was improving.
In the meantime, I slowly came to realisation, that this relationship does absolutely nothing for me: I still take care of majority of expenses, I cannot count on my husband to make any decisions, I cannot count on him to take care of me,  sex is lousy and really is a chore-I was absolutely dreading the times when I knew I had to provide it for him,as I was supposed to,as a wife, and he sure wanted it.
I was profoundly unhappy.
Then we received a letter from US tax office: we've been audited and we owed $12K. I was frantic and my husband just sat on the couch and told me:"What do you want me to do? You know I have no money".
I wanted to scream: but you're a man! You are supposed to take care of things. Just for once,take charge, come up with a solution (that doesn't involve ME paying someone).
But there was no point-people don't change. He wasn't going to become this knight in shining armour all of a sudden.
That's when I realised I would be so much better by myself: having just myself to worry about and to take care of things,instead of trying to care for someone else as well. He was a dead weight on my back, drugging me down.
A week later I was driving home from work, my mind on overdrive, trying to figure out what to do. I wasn't paying any attention to the road and blew straight through the "stop" sign at the intersection.
 I T-boned the car passing across. It's a miracle both myself and the other driver walked away from that crash,as my car was so badly damaged, I had to push the door with both feet to open it. Both cars were "totaled" by insurance company later.
I left the car there to be towed,gave statement to the police and walked home (only 2 streets away). It was suddenly all very clear to me.
I walked into the kitchen, C was sitting at the counter. I told him that I totaled my car and,"by the way, I want a divorce".
He told me he had a feeling it was coming for a while and went for a walk to compose himself.
We moved to separate houses 3 weeks later.
That was it. I felt so liberated, so free.
I started dating a woman very shortly after that and it felt so natural: I had no problem introducing her to my friends. I had no problem walking with her down the street holding her hand. I kissed her openly and quite passionately at my friend's restaurant.
I had no problem telling people I'm gay.
I was finally living the life that was long overdue. I should have done this years ago,but we can't change the past-I'm just trying to make the best of the present now.

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