Wednesday, March 30, 2011

We are all damaged

It's true-we are. Every single one of us. Even those who lived the most sheltered of lives,those who are relatively young and those who seem blissfully happy and content on the outside.
Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Sometimes the damage is obvious,sometimes it becomes apparent as you get to know the person deeper.
Not everyone admits to having it. We all want to look "perfect" for other people,employers,prospective partners. But sooner or later it all comes out.
True damage is not merely a re-enactment of past turmoil,but part of nature,part of our cellular structure. That's why it's a good idea to stretch each morning to be aware of where in your body the damage is lurking.
It's all about how you manage and handle your damage. You wake up every morning and then do those things you have to do to find your best self. Some days it works better than others.
It's up to us to attempt to heal ourselves daily and to bring that better self to our partner each day.
A lot of people make a common mistake: they meet someone new and they think that person is the one to heal them,that they are starting "clean slate",that it is/will be different this time. Usually,in those first "honeymoon" stages damage is asleep,like a bear in winter,it's in hybernation. So we tell the new person about it,even lead them to the damage and show it to them,saying "Shhhh,let's not wake it". But,inevitably,spring comes and damage wakes up. Sometimes sooner,sometimes later, but it always,always does. And then the cycle repeats itself:off we go in search of "the one",the "soulmate" that will make it all better and make all hurts of the past go away.
Everyone doubts at one time or another that our partner is "the one"-the one who will make me happy,make my loneliness go away,take care of me and build me up when I'm down and who will remain hot forever. In reality, we are sometimes hurt or disappointed by a partner,but we have this notion that the right person will never cause us negative emotions or pain,and,therefore,we start thinking that maybe she/he is the "wrong one".
Even the most loving and nurturing partners are not always there for each other. They also misunderstand each other,get angry,feel out of sorts and feel hopeless from time to time. Nobody feels like "the one: all the time. She/he is no doubt a complicated human being just like you are.
Let your partner see the "real" you-flaws and all. You want to feel accepted for who you are,not for the image you present. the paradox of this is that the more you reveal your flaws,weaknesses and less attractive qualities-and continue to be loved and accepted by your partner-the more you feel safe and secure in the relationship.
The goal is not to find someone who is perfect,but rather to find someone whose character you respect-and who can either recognise her faults or accept feedback so she can be better in the future.


  1. Nice to discover your blog. If you're who I'm guessing you are, I was your customer one time.

  2. You know, my husband the most important person in my life for 30 years!!! Not my parents and not my children. So, I can agree and disagree with this post.