Thursday, March 10, 2011

Do not "settle"

A lot of people are afraid of being alone. They crave company (especially intimate company)-that's why my chosen trade continues to thrive.
People are in constant search of a companion,someone to be with. For different reasons,however.
Some feel the pressures of society-if you are alone,un-partnered, then something must be wrong with you..
Some are used to having people around all the time (grew up in large families) and feel unhappy with no one around.
Some want to have a partner so they will be taken care of-emotionally,financially.
Some want to have children and don't want to do it alone.
Some,like on of my exe's, validate themselves through other people, so need constant companionship.
One look at the dating websites (and the sheer number of them) and it's clear that majority of the population is on a quest for coupling/partnership.
If you read through the profiles, main theme emerges: almost everyone requests "no game playing" and "honesty".. Hm mm.. Yes, we all want honesty and clarity. Then why do we constantly engage in above mentioned "game playing"? For any number of reasons, main of which is insecurity, I think. We want to be liked,accepted,we want to be appealing to a potential "soul mate". So we pretend to be someone we're really not. Or we embellish a bit here and there...It's not a good strategy: it all comes out in the end. Truth finds the way out.
We all have our "ideal partner" image in our head. It's different for each individual.
Trouble is, when we take a close look at all the qualities we require in a partner, we realise that,although it's possible to meet such person, it is, realistically, not probable. And the older we get, the more that probability dwindles.
So we settle. We meet someone with maybe a third of the qualities we want and tell ourselves that it's enough or think that we can change the other person, or that we can put up with the rest of it, if even one good quality is present. It's a delusion and a very dangerous one at that.
People don't change. We are who we are. Yes, one can pretend to be someone else, but it doesn't last AND provides a false premise for a relationship.
As it is, relationships are not destined to last forever (at least not happily) and by lying and pretending, we are making their span even shorter.
In hetero relationships the most common point of deception are children:one partner wants to have them (sometimes quite a few of them) and the other doesn't. The first one thinks that once they get married,the other will change his/hers mind and all will be good. Not so! I, for instance, knew with every degree of certainty that I do not want to have children since I was 18. I've never changed my mind and never regretted that decision. If anything, I am grateful that I didn't sway under the pressures of my ex-husbands and society.
In gay relationships it's often main earner/bread winner situation. One partner is hoping to pretty much live of the other while doing "soul-searching" or "exercising artistic freedom" while the other is putting the bread (and butter and,sometimes,caviar, on the table). Bread-winning partner is deluding himself thinking that the other will eventually get a job and start pulling his/her share. Nope. What you see is usually what you get-things don't change much and this situation will inevitably result in resentment/fights/break-up.
"Settling" will only result in disappointment,hurt,heartbreak. One feels un-fulfilled and starts questioning herself as to "what's wrong with me" or "why do I attract these kinds of people" (oh, a million dollar question :).

My "ideal partner"'s image changed over the years. As I grew older, different qualities became important. I now know exactly what I want, what I can live without and what are a definite deal-breakers.
As jaded as it sounds, love fades... Looks fade... Sex becomes boring and repetitive.. At the end of the day,it's whether or not you can put up with each other's shit. Indefinitely. Think about it for a minute. Indefinitely.
All the romantic stuff comes and goes...You can get laid fairly easily... But will your partner "have your back"? Will she/he be there for you on your darkest day,when everything went to hell and world turned it's back on you?
Good relationship should be easy. Yes, of course, there are always arguments,disagreements,fights. Every relationship requires work from both parties. But if it's too much work,if it feels like an uphill battle all the time or you feel that you're the only one doing all the work, then probably it's time to get out.
In a good relationships things just "flow"-whether good or bad things. Obstacles get overcome,problems get solved and both you and your partner are moving towards a mutual goal . You have similar values and are on the "same page", so to speak.
You don't have to work extra hard to appease your partner. In a recent interview Portia Di Rossi (DeGeneres) said something that stuck in my mind. She explained that for the first time in her life, Ellen (her wife) made her believe that she (Portia) is "perfectly good enough" just the way she is. She doesn't need to be thinner,prettier,smarter,whatever.. It made her feel safe,accepted and was a huge step in overcoming her bulimia.
Ellen and Portia's relationship is,actually, my dream. I highly admire and respect both of them. They have such courage.
I would like one day to meet someone who respects me and accepts me for who I am. Who will stand by me no matter what.
I wonder what it would be like to be with somebody who listens and laughs with me and puts her arms around me and tells me that she loves me.
I am 42 and no longer seem able to put the energy into dubious undertakings. I want stability.
The problem is, love has it's own truth:you know when you are in it and the likelihood of the success or failure of it has nothing to do with the fact of it.
When you love, you put your own needs aside for the betterment of something or someone else.
I got burned so many times doing it! I keep telling myself I've learned my lessons. Only time will tell if I've actually had.
It's easier for hetero couples,as men are simple creatures,by and large. Simple in their motivations,however depraved. Mostly driven by their dicks.
Women are harder to fathom. They are colder.More dispassionate (not to be confused with "emotional"). Precise.Methodical.Quiet in their strategies.
Just a few month ago a woman who is much younger than I played me like a violin. I can't say that I was absolutely oblivious-I suspected that something was afoot, all my previous experiences told me that something wasn't right, but,after 2 miserable years I was craving something nice,easy,beautiful,meaningful and pushed my doubts aside and opened my heart. I wanted to believe. In short, I settled. And,yes,I ended up hurt.
Granted, I was a victim of unfortunate timing,more than anything else, but it doesn't make the bitter pill easier to swallow.
"Settling" for anything less than you need/deserve is unhealthy and will not bring you happiness.
You might think that it is what you want right now, but,ultimately,it will make one  or both of you profoundly unhappy and will destroy the relationship.
Be patient. Wait. Sometimes it takes months,years,even decades (I know,depressing thought :).
But it will pay off. You will be fulfilled. You'll appreciate and love YOURSELF more.

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