Monday, February 18, 2019

Little Miss Independent fell in love...

Yip... It happened.

For 8 years I was very happily single and genuinely did not want any romance in my life: I was content being in my own company, quite fulfilled and did not feel at all lonely (despite being alone).  In fact, I remember telling my best friend that while I understand that one could fall in love randomly and without warning, I certainly don't want it to happen to me as it would disturb the nice and peaceful order of my life.  I've explained in one of my older posts why I truly prefer to be on my own, so I won't be repeating myself.

Well, we all know that Universe has a wicked sense of irony, don't we.
One day in July I was on my way to Phoenix for a friend's wedding.  Suddenly it started raining-hard.  So hard, in fact, that visibility went down to a couple of feet: not because of the fog, but because it was raining that hard.  All the cars on the freeway were forced to slow down to about 5 miles/hr and turn their emergency lights on in order to continue moving.  No one dared to pull over to the side because the chance of getting hit by someone who simply couldn't see you were too great, so the safest way to proceed was to continue following each other.  Parts of the freeway were getting flooded to the point where they would not be passable.  Later I saw in the news that freeway did get closed in part shortly after I came through. 
Then the rain stopped and it was completely clear-like nothing happened.  And then it started again with the same intensity. 
This went on for entire 5 hours of my trip: about 6 separate times.  The reason I write about it is because I believe it was somehow (I don't know exactly how)  significant to what was to follow.

I arrived in Phoenix unscathed even if a little rattled by the experience.  Checked into my hotel, turned on the TV, saw something amusing, so I turned to Twitter to post about it...
And then it happened: randomly, out of nowhere without any reason or warning.  I felt a very strong attraction for a particular person.  While I was aware of this person before and had a great deal of respect for him, at no point did I experience any sort of romantic feelings for him.  I've never even thought of him in terms of "physically attractive" (he is, BTW, it's just it never occurred to me to view him in that light before).
And suddenly it was from 0 to 1000 in about 5 seconds...

I full well realize it sounds bizarre.  One might even say "batshit crazy".  I feel the need to put a disclaimer here (for those who don't know me and/or  haven't read my old posts):  I do not do drugs of any kind (whether prescription or recreational) and never had, never smoked and only drink alcohol in very small dozes (couple of glasses of champagne) and usually before I go to bed while unwinding after a long day.  I was dead sober when it all happened.  Which made the whole thing even more surreal.

The good thing about growing older and gaining life experience is that one possesses tools to deal with various situations Universe randomly throws at you.
And so I sat down on the couch and pondered the situation.  Analyzed it from various angles.
Here what I had.

For starters, the person in question was not aware of my existence.  Secondly, he was unavailable-and I was guessing in more ways than one.  To complicate the matters further, he holds a rather prominent position and is not easily accessible.  Other factors complicating situation involved very stark differences in our backgrounds,  my country of origin and my choice of enterprises.

On the plus side, I am well aware of how attraction works on purely scientific level (I am talking about hormones produced by the brain) and knew I could simply enjoy riding this wave of happy chemicals produced by my body all by myself-no need to involve the other person at all.
Doing so is possible, but has to be carefully managed so one can get the best results without it being frustrating or actually turning into a downer.

I've decided to just enjoy the ride as it unfolds and let things flow.

It was (and still is) quite an interesting ride :).
In the following months I did get to meet the person in question (however briefly) several times.  I did flirt with him very lightly.  I can't really hit on him full on because of the circumstances: we only see each other during formal public gatherings when there are lots of people around and any sort of extended conversation is out of the question.
While at this stage he does know I exist, LOL, it doesn't really change anything.  Judging by his response (or rather a deliberate lack of thereof) to my flirting he is not interested,  but even if he was, the circumstances are impossible.  For many complicated and very objective reasons nothing could possibly happen between us.

This doesn't, however, stops me from enjoying the experience of "being in love".  Imagining what could have been is actually a delicious torture and the impossibility of it all gives me sort of perverted pleasure (and quite a few explosive orgasms :)).

Imagination is a wonderful tool: it can take you places you are not able to go.  Depending on how well developed someones imagination is, dreams could be absolutely amazing.  One just has to be careful not to forsake the reality and actual day-to-day life.  In healthy dozes imagination is actually very good for one's overall well-being.  And so I dream...

... I love his voice: it's a pleasant baritone with a rumble to it.  When I hear him speak, I get tingles in all kinds of places ;).  Sometimes I find it hard to focus on what he is actually

... His eyes are the color of warm caramel.  He has a piercing look (common for the persons of his zodiac sign) and sometimes it feels like he is looking straight into your thoughts.

...He has this "distinguished silver fox" look which I've always been partial to and I honestly think he looks more attractive with age.  I've seen photos of him when he was younger and while objectively he was very attractive then, that look isn't my type.  I do firmly believe that like a good wine *most* men look better with age.

...As per his position, he often wears certain clothes (I am being deliberately vague-I really don't want to give any clues as to whom the person is) and he looks devastatingly handsome in those clothes. It turns my knees to jelly.

...I often wish that modern society had retained some of the old customs-such as an "official" mistress prominent men had in addition to a wife.  This was common in old England, France, Russia and many other countries.  I always thought it was a very elegant and practical solution to the issue of monogamy (which is a construct forced upon people by society when it changed from hunter/gatherers to agriculturalists-please refer to a fantastic anthropological study on the subject-"Sex At Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha).

...Sometimes I imagine him sitting on my couch, me straddling him, taking him in deep until we both climax.

...Other times I see myself coming behind him, wrapping my arms around him and telling him how his drive, his passion for what he does, the way he carries himself with such conviction is such a turn on for me.

...I see him ringing my doorbell and when I open the door we start to kiss passionately before we can even say "Hello".  He presses me against the wall and takes me then and there because neither one of us can wait another minute.

...Sometimes I see us embracing and me burying my nose in his neck.  It feels safe.  I feel protected: like nothing can ever happen to me.

...Sometimes I see us in bed, him on his back, me pinning his arms down, hovering above barely touching him, but not quite, driving him crazy with desire until he simply can't take it anymore and then we switch and he is on the top of me, making passionate love to me until I cry out with pleasure.

...Sometimes I see us just talking.  Really talking: being ourselves, not "PC version" of ourselves.  Telling each other all the things we would never say to other people.

...I often find myself wondering how his mouth would taste if I kissed him, how soft his lips would feel.

...And sometimes I imagine him kissing me passionately.  So hard that it takes my breath away.

Imagination is great! I must say, overall this experience has been quite positive. While I still find it ironic that Universe decided to throw me this curved ball, all the oxytocin and dopamine certainly brought some excitement into my life that wasn't there before :).
I am a spiritual person and subscribe to certain philosophies, so I believe that everything that happens to us does happen for a reason.  Often we don't get to know what the reason is until much later, but it is always there.  Throughout my life I've seen proof of it time and time again.
There were times when I was upset and at times absolutely devastated over *whatever* even or circumstances only to realize years later why it had to happen that way and why it was for my higher good.

Love and light to all :)